Family Day Trip

Yesterday, we took a day trip to Estes Park as a family. I didn't take many pictures, so I decided I needed to write about it preserve the memory. For the most part, we all had a lot of fun. I idea behind this trip was that we wanted to do something that Sean would enjoy since he is the one that graduated this year just like we went to Georgetown and tried to plan activities Eric would like the year he graduated. 

Our first activity was a one hour horseback ride at Sombrero Stables. (We had considered booking a two hour ride, but we were glad we chose only one hour by the time we were done.) When I booked the ride, I was asked the age, weight, and experience of each rider. With this information, they were able to pair us with the best horse. When we got there, we signed our waivers and mounted the horses and followed our guide along the planned trail. Our guide was friendly and patient as we trotted along. My horse wondered off a few times, and I had to make sure she followed and stayed on the trail. Sean's horse brought up the rear and every once in a while would just stop and look around. They were the only two that would decide to do their own thing every so often. Noel's horse stayed close the the guide horse and only got testy when Chad's horse, who was supposed to be behind mine, got two close when we stopped for a short break and saddle adjustment. Chad's horse was calm for the most part and stayed close to mine. When we stopped, he didn't like that and nipped a bit at Chad's foot and at Noel's horse when it backed up and pushed Chad's. The scenery was beautiful. The chose the perfect spot on their land for this tour. We all had fun, and I would love to go again in the future. 

Then, we went into the town to shop and eat. We had lunch at Penelope's World Famous Burgers and Fries. It was really good and very filling. The atmosphere was cozy, and the staff was friendly. I hope to remember this place next time we go up there. Then, we walked around from shop to shop and collected various souvenirs. It was such a blessing that this trip coincided with Chad's bonus. I hope everyone felt important and got to look at everything they wanted to look at. After few hours of walking around and two trips back to the car, we went to Bob and Tony's Pizza. Chad and I went there on our honeymoon ten years ago, and I was hoping to have the same experience again. The pizza was good, but it has become more of a distillery  since we last went and lost a lot of its charm. I would maybe consider going back, but not as excitedly as I went this time trying to recapture a memory that apparently is now gone. At this point, we had about another hour to kill before our Stanley Hotel Ghost Tour. We got in the car and headed over to go to that gift shop and wander around for a while. Chad and Sean got a few last souvenirs, and we went up and down in the elevator. Finally, it was time for our tour. It was fun, and our guide did a wonderful job telling the ghost stories in a way that made the tour feel like it was over too soon. I couldn't believe we had actually been listening to ghost stories for an our! 

By the time we were ready to go home, we were tired and all had said that other than having too much time between tours, it was a fun day.

Mitten Progress

I have worked on the gnome mittens with the online class off and on for about the last week. The cuff and flowers on the first mitten are done. I am getting more excited about it the more I get done. The shade of purple I chose makes me happier as I knit it up. I can't wait to get more done. 

This is what it looks like right now:

I thought it would be fun to place mine on top of the pattern cover page. 

Failed the Test

image credit: https://www.dreamstime.com/iron-fe-chemical-element-sign-d-rendering-isolated-white-background-science-experiments-classroom-camp-image151780862

Two days ago, Chad and I went to donate blood after I got off work. I knew that I had issues with iron during that time of the month in the past, and I suspected I was anemic this time around, too. I started taking iron pills Saturday night because I was feeling so light headed and remembered that this was one of the symptoms I had experienced in the past.

 I thought that I would be ok to donate blood by Tuesday, and I was no longer light headed when we left the house to go to the blood drive. We were quickly taken back for screening. Since we had done the prescreening online, all we had to do was have our vitals taken before donating. My temperature was good. My blood pressure was on the high side but normal. All that was left was testing my iron. It only needed to read over 12.5. The lady started with a finger on my left had. I scored an 11. She offered to test my right had to see if it would read higher and convinced me that it was a good idea. This time my score was higher: 11.7. It was frustrating, but I understood why they were not able to accept my donation at this time. I will try again when they come back up to Brighton again. 

What did I learn from this? First, I am lower in iron during that time than I thought. Second, I probably can't donate blood at certain times. Third, if someone gets declined due to low iron at a blood drive, they can search out another place to donate as soon as the next day (I am waiting a bit longer). 

Finished Project

 

In January, I decided I would make Eric another hat for his birthday. The one he wears all of the time is one that I made, and I thought it would be nice for him to have another one made with the same pattern and same brand of yarn. It has been sitting in my purse partially done since then. As of Sunday, the knitting was done. Today, I cinched up the top and wove in the ends. Now, only 6 1/2 months after his birthday, Eric’s hat is finished!

Who Are Your Seven?

While listening to the Don't Miss This podcast on YouTube, one question hit me and really made me think. As they talked about Ester's handmaidens, they asked if we surround ourselves with people who would be willing to do something like fast for three days without question. I can honestly say that I do for the most part. I can't say I have seven people that I am close to that I would even imagine asking to do something like that for me, but I do have two very close friends and my husband who I believe would do so for me. I have asked these friends to pray for family members in the past, and they had no problem with that request, and I have done the same for them as well. There are a few other people in my life that I believe would do so with no questions as well. My husband and I have both fasted and prayed for when the other has asked. (I love being married to someone who loves and supports me.) I can honestly say that I have some wonderful people in my life that I can depend on to help me through fasting and prayer with little to no questions asked. I am very blessed to have these people in my life!

Religious Freedom

I have been thinking about the term “religious freedom” a lot lately. We hear it in the news, at church, on social media, etc. I feel like I’m some settings it has lost its real meaning as well as its impact. When I think of this gem, I think of our right to “how, where, and what we may.” Not only has this been taught to me all of my life, I fully believe it. 

I have friends and family members  of different faiths. Most of us are Christian of one denomination or another, but I have also had Wiccan, Jewish, Muslim, and Ashiest friends. In the past this has not been a problem for the most part. I cannot say I fully understand other faiths, but I am open to hearing about other faith traditions with respect. There were a few that upon discovering my religious affiliation decided they could no longer be friends with me which hurt, but I would rather they be honest about it than acting like they accept me and my beliefs just to put this part of me down continually.

Lately, this has changed a bit. I have noticed that there are people who preach religious freedom as a way to tell people who do not believe as they do that they are wrong. I don't believe this is what this term is supposed to mean. Why can we not all live together accepting other points of view? Am I uncomfortable with a Muslim woman wearing religious clothing in public? No. This is a reflection of her and who she is. Am I uncomfortable with a Jewish man wearing a Yakama? No. This shows is devotion to his faith. However, when I say that I believe in the sanctity of life in a discussion about assisted suicide citing religious and personal experiences, I am told I am called all kinds of names based on the religious portion of this. 

I should not be denied my right to believe in Jesus Christ because someone else is uncomfortable with it any more than someone else should be denied their beliefs. I should be allowed to talk about my beliefs freely as much as anyone else without the fear of being called horrible names. I should be allowed to teach my children my beliefs without them being told that I am not a good person based on these beliefs. 

Blessings of the Week

I want to recognize the blessings I receive more often. Does this mean I will do a weekly blessing post? Not necessarily. I don't want to paint myself into a box with making too many blog rules for myself. That's not what this blog is for. It does mean that I am going to recognize some of the blessings that I received this week, though.

First, I passed my Research Methods class. This is a big deal for me! I hate doing research. Reading peer reviewed articles is boring. Trying to find a topic I am interested that I can build upon and wright my own research proposal for is hard. Following all of the rules of research writing is not fun. Writing in a style that bores me to tears is not my kind of writing. And, finally, taking multiple choice tests where I need to have a lot a definitions memorized is my kryptonite. When you put all of these together into one class, it equals the hardest C I have ever received. I am more proud of this grade than any A I have received. 

This did not happen my chance. A few things had to be in place for it to work. Noel was at her conference. I love her, but she requires a lot of attention that I really could not have given her Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday. I needed those days to study and do work. Also, there was not a youth activity this week. This gave me a few extra hours I would have had most weeks. I have a hard time believing that these things coincidentally fell the same week as finals. Had these not been in place, I would not have passed my final which would have resulting me not passing the class.

I feel like I was lead to the right General Conference talks to listen to this week. I learned a lot from a few of the talks and made sure to high light the parts that left an impression on me. I love that we have such easy access to them now. I can't wait until I finish the most recent session and start listening older sessions. I have found a few talks from the 1980s that have been interesting and testimony building. I may go back to 88 or 89 next. We'll see. 

Driving Tired: Not a Joking Matter

Have you ever heard someone joke about falling asleep at the wheel?

Have you ever driven tired?

When you did so, did you think of it as dangerous or funny?

Today, I am going to explain why you should not drive tired. I will talk about the dangers of driving tired, a car accident involving a driver who fell asleep at the wheel, and simple solutions to avoid this problem. What makes me so passionate about this issue? When I was 18 years old, a senior in high school, my mom and brother died when someone fell asleep at the wheel. If they had known how dangerous this could be, maybe they would have made different decisions.

My family members are not the only people that have tragically lost their lives in this manner. According to the CDC’s website, 7,500 people die each year in the U.S. due to drowsy or tired driving. You may say that you get enough sleep, so this will never happen to you, but what you may not realize is that according to the same article, if you sleep less than six hours a day, are prone to snoring, or known for unintentionally falling asleep during a regular day, you are more likely to fall asleep at the wheel than those who do not follow these patterns. This means you are already as risk. On episode 152 of Mythbusters, which aired November 3, 2010, they did a field test to find out what was more dangerous: driving drunk or driving tired. To do this, they used a closed course with stop and go elements and other distractions. They ran the course once after drinking enough alcohol to be legally drunk in their state according to a breathalyzer. Then, after sobering up, they stayed awake for 30 hours without the aid of stimulants and drove the course again. The results were this: they were far worse drivers when they were sleep deprived proving that not only is it dangerous to drive when tired, it can be more dangerous than driving under the influence.

There are steps you can take to avoid or lower your risk of driving drowsy. First, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, you should avoid driving during the peek times for tired driving which are from midnight to 6am and the late afternoon. Of course, you should avoid driving any time of day if you are tired when possible. Another suggestion is to make sure you are well rested before driving long hours such as when taking vacations. If they had followed this one step, my mom and brother may still be alive today.

I want you to imagine for just a little bit for me. Imagine that in one moment half of your family is gone. How does that feel? Now, think about that and answer this question, “Would you want to be the cause of that pain for someone else?” My mom, her roommate, and my brother were on their way to visit my aunt for a few days when they were in an accident that would change all of our lives. Rather than leaving in the morning, they had decided to leave around midnight thinking this would just simply get them to their destination earlier than planned. It was decided that they would drive in shifts. It was my mom’s roommate’s turn to drive as they drove into the early morning hours through New Mexico. As my mom slept in the passenger seat and my brother curled up in the back, her roommate fell asleep at the wheel, crashing into a guardrail. It happened so fast that she didn’t have the chance to react. My mom died on impact, and I am told my brother did too as he was ejected out of the rear window of the car, breaking his neck in several places. They most likely did not even know what had happened, and according to doctors, may not have even woken up. The woman driving had to live with the knowledge that she had just killed her best friend as well as her best friend’s son. My sister and I lost half of our family, and my dad lost his son in an instant. My sister and I have had to experience things such as getting married and having babies without our mother by our side. My dad does not get to see his only son live the life he had dreamed of having. Most tragic of all, this was completely avoidable.

Driving tired is not a joke. It can take lives.

As you plan your long trips, or even a trip to the grocery store, think before you drive. How tired are you? If you are too tired to do so, DO NOT DRIVE. If you think there is a possibility of getting drowsy on a long drive, make sure there are others to talk to, find music to listen to, or find places to stop and nap such as rest stops, gas stations, or even hotels.

My Next Adventure

I have been wanting to learn how to knit with two colors correctly for a long time, but I was not sure how I would get to learn since I don't live close enough to a yarn shop and can't really afford or have the time to spend to go to any of the yarn type conferences that have come to any towns within an hour of my home. Then, my friend released a class that included a cute pattern for gnome mittens. I asked for it for Christmas, but Chad did not know how it would work to give me a the time. Last week, I once again asked for the class. This time for my birthday. Chad was more than happy to give me the only thing I really asked for this time. I was sent the link to the class last week and ordered the needles and yarn right away. Today, I got the supplies in the mail. I am so excited to get started! I can't wait to be able to learn and develop this skill. 

I Passed!

 I have taken a few hard classes over the years. So far, Research Methods had been the hardest by far! I totally failed the class during the fall semester and decided to take it again this semester. Each week, I dreaded the assignments as I tried to bend my brain the way it needed to go. I tried to understand the concepts being taught and incorporate them into the big paper due at the end of the semester. I participated in every discussion trying to understand it better. Then, I would take the 200 point exam every 4ish week and fail it. Each time I would lose a letter grade. It was deflating. I felt like all of the work I had done was for nothing, but I kept on going. As life tried to get in the way, I kept in contact with the teacher to try to make sure I didn't fall further behind. 

Today, when I got off of work, I sat at the table with my laptop, a pencil, and some paper to study. For the next few hours, I went through all of the chapter quizzes and took notes making sure to look up any questions I had wrong. Then, I went through the study guide and took notes. Then, after dinner, I sat down to take the test. Sixty questions. Open book. One Hour. I prayed to be able to recall the information I had learned through the semester as well as the many hours today. This test would determine if I would pass or fail, and I really didn't want to have to take the class for a third time. 

In the end, I passed with a C. My final grade for the class is 75%. I have never worked so hard for a C in my life!

The Memes

Since a lot of people I know have jumped off of FB (mostly my sister), I have started saving memes to randomly send them (mostly her) because I can. Here are a few of my favorites from this week:

My sister loved this one. I can't read it without getting the darn song stuck in my head.

My mom would have loved this!

Need to Forgive

This morning, I was listening to President Nelson talk, The Power of Spiritual Momentum, and felt the need to work on forgiveness again. I went through this process a while back, and it gave me the peace I was seeking at the time. The problem is that I am struggling with harsh feelings towards this person again. The more I struggle with it, the less peace I feel within myself, and I hate that. 

When I started the Pathways program, I decided that my project for the the first semester of my religion class would be to forgive the person who hurt me the most. By the end of that semester, I could honestly say that I felt I had done so. I spent the next few years not even thinking about the pain this person had cause me, and I was actually able to interact with them again in a friendly manner thinking we had put our past behind us. 

This would all change about three years ago. (I will not go into details about that at this time.) At this point, I felt betrayed again out of nowhere, and it has continually gotten worse. I don't like how it has affected me or my children. 

Two years ago, I ended up in therapy to deal with my depression and feelings of inadequacy. My therapist had me start with splitting up chores around the house (which helped until the others stopped helping). Then, she suggested that I find a friend that I could see in person at least once a month. Even though we were still in the height of COVID, I was able to do so with someone I knew I could trust which also helped (and still helps). The next step was even harder. I had to look within my self to uncover where my feelings of inadequacy and shame came from. She suggested I read the book Healing the Shame that Binds You. By reading this, some memories came flooding back from my teenage years as well as my twenties. I ended up having to quit therapy because I could no longer afford it, but this gave me a place to start. 

Fast forward to now. I have worked out some of my issues with my mother and father in my head. It is easy to do. My mother was mentally ill. I can look back at the years and see that her decisions were not always she something she would have done had she been able to have the quality care she was finally finding near the end of her life. My dad did not always know what was going on. He put his trust in the wrong people from time to time, and sometimes it had consequences that hurt me more than he realized. The issue is that person who hurt me throughout my twenties.

I have come to realize that just because I forgive someone, I do not have to be friends with them. Forgiveness will bring me peace. Someone who is not seeking the same, will not care. What does that mean for me? I am going to work on forgiveness again. I am going to search out this peace again. I know it will take hard work, and it may take the rest of my life. However, I know my Heavenly Father will lead me in the right direction if I ask. He will bring me this miracle as many times as I need it because He loves me and wants me to feel this peace, too. 

A Bit More than Expected

Today, it my birthday. That's right. I am officially 44, older than my mom. I'm not totally sure how I feel about that. Since my last birthday, I have had in my head that I was at an age where I needed to start living my life for both myself and for her. I was worried that with Eric being Anthony's age and me my mom's age, there could be a curse. Thankfully, that was proven wrong, and I get to continue to live a life that would make her proud to be my mom while making sure to experience things she did not get the chance to experience. 

Today, I took off of work to take Noel and her friend to a conference they signed up for at the beginning of the year. She has been excitedly talking about it for months, and it was finally here. As we drove up to Fort Collins, she started to get more and more nervous. When we got there, the girls checked in, and I helped them bring their things to their room. Once she met her suitemates and got a text from another friend looking for her, she became more comfortable, and I was able to leave. I will miss her while she is gone, but I know she will be taken care of and have fun with her friends and getting to learn more people. 

That's when I got to find my way home in a hot car with no air conditioning. I couldn't use my GPS because my phone overheated. I found my way to a main road and somehow ended up in Loveland. Thankfully, I knew how to get home from there. Overall, it took me about an hour and a half to get home instead of an hour, but I was able to get home safely. 

I love my daughter and would be willing to take this adventure again for her any day. I am glad I was able to spend my time with her and her friend. I wish it was not 100* when I was driving home, but it was worth it. To top it off, I didn't have to work, and I was distracted from the idea of being older than my mom by taking this adventure.  

Our Identity as Children of God

“I am a beloved daughter of heavenly parents, with a divine nature and eternal destiny. 

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I strive to become like Him. I seek and act upon personal revelation and minister to others in His holy name.

I will stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.

As I strive to qualify for exaltation, I cherish the gift of repentance and seek to improve each day. With faith, I will strengthen my home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, and receive the ordinances and blessings of the holy temple.”

Some of you may recognize this as the Young Women’s theme. Every other week, as we meet on Sunday, we stand to recite it. I hope the girls understand that this is much more important that just one more thing to memorize and recite.

In his April 2022 General Conference talk, Elder Dale G. Renlund broke down the Young Women’s them and explained how throughout it, we are taught important truths about our divine identity as sons and daughters of God.

This is something I struggled with when I was a young woman. I was a weird kid who turned into an awkward teenager, and those that know me, even some that don’t, can see that the awkwardness never really went away. I was picked on and teased by my peers. I couldn’t see where my place was in this world. Then, I was asked to give a talk for Young Women in Excellence or another similar event about our identity as spiritual daughters of God, our divine nature. I remember being so excited when talking to my dad about this topic and realizing that I did have a place. I was meant to come to earth and had something to contribute. My existence was not a mistake or something that just happened by chance. I had made the most important decision I could make prior to my birth. I chose to fight on the side of Jesus Christ, to be born into a world where I would have the agency to make my own choices as I learned the way back to my Heavenly Father. How did I know I made this choice? I was here, on this earth, living that reality. I may be awkward and weird and not know how to do simple things like casually walk away when the conversation is over, but I am still a daughter of God who loves me, and I hope to continually be known as someone who will fight on the side of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

If you are not a girl between the ages of 12 and 18, you may be wondering what the Young Women’s theme and a story of be being that age has to do with you. Elder Renlund addressed this when he said, “The profound doctrine taught in the Young Women theme is important for Young Women, but it is also applicable to all, including those of us who are not young women…Understanding this profound truth is important for everyone but especially for individuals belonging to groups who have been historically marginalized, oppressed, or subjugated. Remember that your most important identity relates to your divine nature as a child of God.”

There was a time after the “light bulb moment” I had as a teenager with my dad when I questioned my divine identity as a daughter of God again. I was married to a man who continually put me down, telling me that I was not worth much, pointing out my flaws continually. After a while, I began to believe him. I could only imagine now that, as I prayed to my Heavenly Father asking for forgiveness these “flaws,” He was saddened by the lack of self-worth I had at that point. The Lord does not want us to speak to each other in this manner. He teaches us to speak to each other as Christ would.  In his 1988 talk “Christlike Communication,” Elder L. Lionel Kendrick of the Frist Quorum of the Seventy said, “…we must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so. Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and manner we communicate…Christlike communications are expressions of love rather than loudness. They are intended to be helpful rather than hurtful. They tend to bind us together rather than drive us apart. They tend to build us rather than belittle.” We should seek out those who build us up and help us feel our divine worth, and we should do the same for others.

Thankfully, the Lord sent me my wonderful husband to show me that I was important and had value. It wasn’t until a few years after marrying Chad that I could once again see that I had worth. As I have slowly healed from the effects of my first marriage, I have learned some things about myself and my divine identity, and I continue to learn these things. I believe that the Lord tried to show me this while I was still married to my first husband through experiences I had in the temple, but I was unable to recognize it at the time. Recognizing that this happens, Elder Renlund said, “…you are a beloved daughter. Nothing you do – or don’t do – can change that. God Loves you because you are His spirit daughter. God’s love is perfect. Our ability to sense that love is not.” This means our Heavenly Father will always be there for us because He loves us and will pour out that love even when we struggle to feel it simply because we are His children.

How do we know we are spirit sons and daughters of God? What could my dad have possibly told me, for probably the millionth time, as I came to the realizations previously spoken of? It is all available to us through the scriptures, General Conference talks, and other official declarations. In the Old Testament, Genesis 1:27 it says, “So God created man in his own image…male and female created he them.” In the Pearl of Great Price, Moses 1:12-13, we read, “…Satan came tempting him saying: Moses, son of man, worship me. And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? For behold, I am the son of God…” In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, we are told, “All human beings – male and female – are created in the image of God. Each a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.” 

Elder Boyd K. Packer said in his April 1989 talk, “You are a child of God. He is the father of your spirit. Spiritually you are of noble birth, the offspring of the King of Heaven…However many generations in your mortal ancestry, no matter what race or people you represent, the pedigree of your spirit can be written on a single line. You are a child of God!”

My final example is the children’s song we all know and love. A song I sang to my babies as I rocked them to sleep: “I am a Child of God” where we learn simple truths such as He sent us to our earthly home, He knows our needs, there are blessings He has in store for us, and He gave us people to lead us, guide us, walk beside us, and help us find our way back to Him.

A simple search on the Church’s website will show you more evidence that you are a son or daughter of God with “a divine nature and eternal destiny.”

I challenge you to seek out these truths especially if you are struggling like I was as a teenager and again as a young mother. If you need help, ask. There are many who are willing to help. Of course, whether or not you choose to ask someone in person, you can always ask Heavenly Father. He wants to help you! He wants you to know your worth as His child. He loves you!

 

Trying to Decide

For years, I have had the privacy settings on this blog set in a way where it is not completely private, but it is also not searchable in any way. This means that unless someone has the link because it was given to them or they got it from the links on my FB page or my Ravelry page, it is not discoverable. This has been tested on more than one search engine because I used to share pictures of my children on a regular basis and making it private made it too hard for even me to get to. 

I have been considering taking this protection off. It wouldn’t change what I write or the fact that I do so for me and my mental health. I only get about 3 or 4 views on most of my posts, and I really don’t think it would change who reads this blog. I have always been more of an under-the-radar kind of person. That would most likely not change. I just want the freedom of having something public. I don’t feel I can do this with FB, Instagram, or TikTok because of creepy old men and a few others (all of which I block). 

I’m going to have to consider the pros and cons for a little while before I make my final decision. I don't know which way I will go, but whatever I do, it will ultimately be MY choice. One of my favorite things about Chad is that I can make my own choices, and he will support my decisions. 

They Struggle, Too

 

I have seen many videos and memes making fun of these poor Gen Z kids for being "snowflakes" or “marshmallows.” It seems like my generation, Gen X, and the Boomer generation are especially hard on them. I know that we grew up with less materially. I know that we also grew up with less adult supervision. However, we also grew up with less social media. 

When we were growing up, we could leave our bullies at school. Unless we ran into them in the wild, for the most part we were free of them during school breaks. These kids do not get that luxury. If they are on social media or have given their number out to the wrong kid, this bullying follows them everywhere they go. Even if they block people, they can be harassed through their friends if the bullies are particularly viscous. We, as adults, need to understand this. We can't just tell these kids that we were once their age and know what it is like because to some extent this is not true. 

Our kids are hurting. We need to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. There is a reason the suicide rate for these kids is higher than it has ever been. We need to listen to our kids and help them feel loved instead of rejected. Even when they are doing things that are stupid or rude. Have we become so desensitized to other people's feelings that we can't even do this simple thing. 

Micromanaged from Home

I have been working from home since March 2020. Unless I find a new job, this will not change. The company I work for decided this model works for them and let their office lease go at the end of last year. For the most part, it has worked great for me (I do get a bit of cabin fever sometimes). I have been free to work and take care of my family when needed. 

I work with numbers essentially making sure the customers are billed correctly. I was in the finance department until December when I went back to dispatch where I basically make sure pickup and delivery times are correct so that the bills are correct. (It’s a bit more complicated than that, but that is the easiest way to explain it.) I am a behind the scenes person, and I like it that way. I like knowing that the work I completed is done, and I like that no one else will mess it up. Most people don’t even want to deal with it at all. 

A few weeks ago, a new manager was hired after someone was promoted to VP of this department. This new manager, who is over both dispatch and customer service, has decided to try to micromanage where she can. How can she do that to a bunch of people working from home? Microsoft Teams. She sent out an email last week saying she wants everyone to put in the chat when they check in and out along with breaks and what they are working on. 

I understand that for a call center type setting, she would want to know that everyone is in their seats working. I don’t understand the lack of trust. I have been trusted to just get my work done for years. I’m not leaving my house during the workday. I am swamped with so much work that I am always playing catch-up. The manager directly above me knows what I am doing and why it is taking so long. This extra step is causing more problems for me because once I check in to one place, I forget to do it the other place. I have had to submit change reports for my time card three times this week. Most of the time I don’t have to do this at all. 

I am trying to accept this change with grace, but it’s stupid!

Confession

I didn’t pick up my meds at the end of May. I finally call the pharmacy and had them refilled again over the weekend and picked them up when we went grocery shopping Tuesday. That means I have only been taking them for two days. Since it takes a while to build up enough in my system, I still don’t feel right. It sucks! 

I don’t know if it it’s age or something else, but every time I stop taking my meds, my thyroid symptoms are worse. This time, my muscles ache at odd times. It’s like the simplest things are a full workout. I can’t wait until I have taken those darn pills long enough to make a difference. 

Today’s Wordle (spoiler)

I was doing the Wordle today and got stuck. By the end of my 3rd attempt, I had BLA figured out and a lot of letters ruled out. As I stared at my phone, all I could think of was “blave.” Apparently, watching The Princess Bride so many times does have one disadvantage. 

Olive

Noel had a bit of a scare very early this morning when her cat, Olive, decided to try to attack a cat in our backyard through the window. She ended up inadvertently getting Noel instead. Olive was so loud that she startled the dogs awake which woke Chad and I. After jumping out of bed, Chad ran out to the backyard to chase the nuance cat away. Then, he grabbed the first aid kit to try to help Noel clean up the scrapes on her arms. After everything had settled, Noel and I went back to bed, and Chad stayed up with the dogs since they were up for the morning. (The dogs get upset if we all go back to bed once they are up for the morning.) Sweet little Olive at this point proved how sweet she is and reminded us why we got her to begin with by cuddling up to Noel letting her know she was sorry for hurting her. 

I have a history of not really liking cats that much because I have been around a lot of mean cats. Olive has proven that cats can be sweet when they are treated kindly. We got her for Noel in 2020 to help with the feelings of isolation, and she continues to be a comfort when needed. If all cats were like Olive, I would probably not be so adverse to the majority of them.   

They’re Home

Due to a bit of miscommunication, the kids came home a day later than I had expected. I may have had a few hours of freaking out and imagining they were dead in a ditch someone in the mountains Sunday when I thought they would be home and I couldn't get ahold of anyone. Thankfully, Eric was able to get one bar at the bathrooms and let me know when they would be home. 

They got home at about 5:00 last night. I was so relieved to see them. I miss them so much when they are gone! 

The Talk and the Speech

This week I have to give a talk in church and deliver a speech for my communications class. The speech for my class is basically my final. It has to be about 7 minutes long, in front of a live audience of at least one person, and be persuasive. The topic I chose was "Do Not Drive Tired." I use the story of losing my mom and brother as the basis for the speech which not only helps my credibility, it also helps evoke emotion. My talk for church is about our divine nature as children of God. It is supposed to be 7 to 10 minutes and based on Elder Renlund's talk from the women's session of the last conference. 

As a Young Women's leader, I was excited to see that the talk I was given as a reference was based on the Young Women theme. I started writing it about a week a go, and it really came together Saturday. I feel like it will be a decent talk as long as I practice it throughout the week rather than awkwardly reading it at the pulpit like I normally do. 

I have been told that the speech for the class is good and evokes emotion. I have two more official practices before I perform it in front of a “live audience" (most likely my husband and children). My hope is that I will be able to perform the speech with more eye contact that the last one (I really need to work on this). 

Honestly, I am nervous to perform both the talk and the speech. I just need to have the faith that the delivery will reflect the work I have put into them. 

Top Gun Maverick Review (some spoilers)

Last night, Chad and I were finally able to set aside the time to see Top Gun: Maverick.( I kind of feel like we were some of the last people to see this movie.) Between his work schedule and my school schedule, it is hard for us to be able to find enough time to do things like this. With the kids gone with people I fully trust, I was able to sit down and do all of my homework with a clear mind, and even though he was working in Boulder, Chad got home from work at a decent time last night, so we bought tickets and headed out. 

For the most part, I liked the movie. It had just the right amount of action. It seems like a lot of action movies lately have so much action that it gets overwhelming. Having the action scenes at just the right times is exciting and fun! I loved that they found this balance in this movie. 

The bad:

They spent too much time at the beginning trying to recreate scenes from the original movie while setting up the story. As they did so, the dialog felt forced, and the acting was not as good. 

The good:

There was so much good in this movie! There was a scene where Goose's son, Rooster, is at the piano at the bar singing "Great Balls of Fire." Maverick is outside and flashes back to when Goose did the same and gets emotional. This is when the movie transitions into a real movie rather than a forced attempt to try to recreate the first movie combined with setting up the story line. 

The conflict between Rooster and Maverick felt natural and had a bit of a twist as we find out Maverick pulled Rooster's papers from the Naval Academy rather than it being simply because he was the cause of Goose's death. 

I liked the build up to the mission. Showing the dangers and difficulty in the training setting made the actual mission scene intense and exciting to watch. 

There are a lot more scenes that I liked, but I don't want to break down the entire movie. 

The funny:

This is not completely related to Top Gun, but it is in a way. I have been watching Cougar Town lately. There is one episode where they talk about Tom Cruise's "movie run" specifically how he "chops the air" as he runs. They even do the run in formation later in the episode. As Maverick ran away from danger, he ran this way, and I had to hold back my laughter. 

Overall, I loved this movie. I just wish they had not spent so much time trying to recreate scenes from the original. 

No Surrender

 

As I lose my autonomy more and more, I have been trying to decide how to handle this. As far as not even getting solace on my blog, I have decided that I’m just going to handle it with grace and ignore what I can’t control. I’m not going to hold back in what I write. I write my truth. I won’t mention certain people, but I will write about my feelings, my children, and my beliefs. Those are the reasons I wanted to write again, and I am not going to stop. 

When it comes to losing it at work, I’m not sure I have much of a choice. I have gone through ups and downs with this company for the last eight years. I have looked for a new job but didn’t get hired anywhere before accepting my current position. I take this as a sign that I need to keep this job. It pays enough to take care of the kids and bills, and gives me the flexibility to take care of Noel’s health issues. I have been given the assurance from my boss that I do not have to report why I am leaving early in the public chat when needed as long as I keep the private conversation going that we have always had. I just have to report enough to appease the new VP. Since they don’t even understand what I do, reporting each invoice I work on probably won’t even make a difference. Reporting every time I walk away from my desk is stupid, and I refuse to do it. After a text telling my boss that I will not report every time I need to pee, my boss called me laughing saying he REALLY  doesn’t want to know that either. This made me feel better but not great. 

I feel like I’m losing myself again. I don’t like feeing boxed in. I will not let it happen in this space. This has been the only place I can really be me for many years, and I will not give it up for anyone or any reason.

Camping with the Grandparents

 My children have wonderful grandparents who love them dearly on both sides of their family. Unfortunately, my parents are unable to travel because of my step-mother's heath. Thankfully, their other grandparents are not only close enough for my kids to have a good relationship with them, they love camping with their family. Starting the year I was divorced, they have taken my kids with them every summer for a big campout where they invite their kids and grandkids.

The first year they went, I drove out with them to Granby, spent one night, and went home with the assurance that Eric, Sean, and Noel would be cared for by their grandparents The kids got to spend time with their cousins, and I was able to have a few days where I could go to work and not worry about my 5, 7, and 9 year old children. It was a nice relief from the pressures of being a single parent. 

The following year, their grandparents offered to take the kids again for this big family campout. (I think this was the year their father went, but I may be wrong about the year he went.) They had a lot of fun, felt special, and got to go somewhere they would not have been able to go otherwise. 

This has become a tradition. There were some years that I was asked the scout camp schedules to make sure that there was not a conflict, and they were kind enough to schedule around it. One year, they were with them on my birthday, and I was sent pictures of my children with a happy birthday message. For the most part, this is something my children look forward to. I am not convinced that they all like camping, but I know they like spending time with people they love that love them. 

Last year, Eric was not able to go. He had moved out, was looking for a job, and didn't want to leave his girlfriend behind. Noel said it just wasn't the same. This year, not only did Eric and his girlfriend go, they picked up Sean and Noel before heading over to their grandparents' house to caravan with them and their aunt, uncle, and cousin. 

After the funeral last week, we took all of the kids out to eat and made the arrangements for Eric and Peyton to pick up the siblings. They talked about whether Sean and Noel would ride with them just to the grandparents' house or all the way to the camping destination. Noel really wanted to ride with Eric. Sean seemed to not really have an opinion who he rode with until Eric told Sean he would have his own seat row in their vehicle. That cinched it. Sean was excited that he would have so much room. 

Yesterday, Eric picked up his siblings around 8:30. He loaded up everything in the trunk other than what they wanted to have with them for the drive, they gave me hugs, and they were gone. 

It makes me happy they are able to get along well enough to do this together. I love that they have grandparents that are willing and able to take the kids all of these places even when they have to pivot and camp closer to home. I hope to someday be able to see as much of this beautiful country as my children have been able to see. 

These Kids

I love my children more than anything in the world. They know that I do, and they know that my love is unconditional. 

A few years ago, they fought a lot. They would often say they hated each other. Eric would say things like if he didn’t have to spend time with them, he wouldn’t. It would make me so sad and angry. I would remind them all of the times I wished my brother were still here, and tell them they needed to treat each other better because if something happened to one of them, they would wish they had been kinder. Often these speeches were met with eye rolls and snarky comments. 

Maybe they just needed more space or time to grow up a bit. They are not like that now. Now, they laugh and joke with each other. If one is hurting and the others know it, they try to help them. They will even defend their siblings if needed. 

I am loving watching this transition from enemy to friend! It has made all of the, “If my brother were alive…” conversations worth it. I hope this continues for many years. 

Proud of Myself

For Valentines Day, Chad got me a cheese board that I have wanted for a while. It is beautiful, and I love it. The problem is that I was having a hard time finding just the right time to use it. I was going to use it for Mother's Day, but I forgot to buy stuff for it. (I know. Typical Rosa.) I considered it for Memorial Day, but we had so many left overs from Sean's party that we just had that all weekend. That means that July 4th was my next chance to celebrate with charcuterie arrangement. 

Since I had to work, I had to send Chad to the store with a list. Thankfully, I can do this without worrying. It is just something we usually do together, so I wasn't a fan of just sending him to the store. He did a good job picking out the perfect fruit. When the cheese was out that I had on the list, he found a better cheese. It was actually the one I wanted. I just wasn't sure if he would be able to find it.

When I got off work, I washed my hands, got out a knife and cutting board, and went to work on my master piece. I am not normally the person who likes doing this kind of thing, and I have said in the past that I wasn't going to get sucked up into this trend. Just like when I have said this in the past, I got sucked in as everyone seems to be walking away from it. Really, it was more fun than I though it would be. An added plus was that I was able to serve a bit of something that everyone liked. No one complained. We had pleasant conversation where we laughed and joked with each other. It was such a pleasent experience that I hope to not wait for a "special occasion" to do this again. 

Positive Communication

I have been taking a communications class this semester. I originally only signed up for the class because it was my last 100-level class that I needed to take for my degree, and I needed something easy to balance out the Research Methods class I had to retake that I was dreading. When I opened the syllabus in April, my insecurities seeped in. Seeing the weekly Zoom meetings and number of speeches I would need to prepare and give made me nervous. I did not think I could do it. I was wrong. Not only am I doing it, I am thriving in this class and learning so much. After giving my first speech, my instructor asked if I would like some continual coaching when the class was over. She is a motivational speaker and has a coaching business on the side. She said she offered her talented students free coaching for about a month during the summer, something for which she would normally charge about $300. Not only did this make me feel good about taking this class, it makes me feel like she helped me find a hidden talent that I would like to develop. It is amazing what a few encouraging words can do!

Row vs. Wade Thoughts

 I feel the need to voice  my opinion about abortion laws/rights in light of Row vs Wade being overturned and the reactions on social media of which many have chosen to attack people of faith. 

 I have never been pregnant with a baby I did not want, so I cannot say I formed an opinion based on personal experience from that point of view. I base my opinions on my religious views and my personal feelings from being pregnant with my children along with my ability to understand that there are other reasons for people to seek this option other than just plain not want to have a baby.

I do not believe abortion should be used as birth control. I believe both men and women should be more careful with their sexual practices. For the most part, people having sex know that a baby could result from it. I understand that birth control could fail. I was told by my mom that I am the result of birth control failing in some way. 

I am not sure where the line is drawn between a baby being trash and a baby deemed valuable enough to let live. It seems like if a pregnancy is not expected or wanted, it is not reasonable to expect a woman to keep the pregnancy. If the woman is excited about a pregnancy, it is a loved and real from the beginning. If a woman was excited about her pregnancy when she was murdered, we hear all about it no matter how far along she was: her due date, the sex of the baby, the baby's name (if it is known). For example, when Shannan Watts and her daughters were murdered, along with the wonderful things said about them, we heard about that baby, including the sex and name. There was even outrage that he was not charged in the baby's death. However, if a woman is pregnant and as far along as Shannan was with an "unwanted" pregnancy, it is perfectly acceptable for her to kill the baby by having an abortion. I do not understand this logic. 

I believe that all life is precious and should be treated as such. (To put that into perspective, I also don't believe in the death penalty, but I won't go into that right now.) Abortion for birth control spits in the face of that belief. God created life, and that should be respected. President Kimble said, "Abortion must be considered one of the most revolting and sinful practices in this day...to submit to or perform an abortion except in rare cases...should be done only after counseling...and after receiving divine confirmation through prayer." He sends us these precious spirits to teach and love, not to throw away like trash. 

I understand that there are pregnancies that are a result from one night stands or a drunken mistake or whatever other "mistakes" happen. Here’s an idea, don't have sex if you don't want there to be a chance that a baby could be the result. Is this a lot to ask? Maybe, but that is how I see it. That is truly taking control of your body and your choices. By the way, I think men should do the same. When sex results in a pregnancy, they should be held responsible at least financially.

When a baby is the result of rape or incest, if there is no possibility of the baby surviving outside the womb, or if the mother's life is in danger, abortion could be an option. This should only be done after careful consideration. I could understand why this would be necessary in these cases. I have known someone who carried a baby to term knowing she would not survive outside the womb. She was crushed knowing that her precious girl could not live on her own. When she was told  by the insurance that he only way they would cover the "birth" would be if she carried the baby to term or miscarried, it added to her pain. She loved her baby more each day, knowing that their time together was limited. After the baby was born, she live only a short time, and the mother had to heal from a C-section and go through the process of forcing her milk to dry up without the reward of caring for her daughter. Her pain was real. She would have been in pain either way, but it seemed to be extended by the insurance company's decision to not allow a medical procedure that may or may not have helped the healing process. It was legal for her to have an abortion, but she was not able to do it. My question: Where were all of the people who claim to care about these mothers when she needed the money and support? My (possibly cynical) answer: They didn't care because she was not their target. They only care about supporting the women who didn't want the baby. 

Am I happy about the "trigger laws" that resulted from the overturning of Row vs. Wade? Not necessarily. Outlawing all abortions can be dangerous. If the mother dies as a result of a pregnancy, the baby would most likely die, too. How is that saving a life? If there is no chance of a baby surviving after birth, why put the family through the prolonged pain of anticipating a birth knowing there would be death at the same time? If the baby is the result of rape or incest, there should not be a forced, constant reminder of the trauma they endured more than the resulting PTSD that is inevitable thanks to the horrible person who thought it was their right to force themselves on someone. That being said, there should be careful consideration in these cases to assure more mental or spiritual trauma would be caused by this choice because it is a permeant decision. 

Funeral Day

 Today, I will be going to the funeral for a great man. He was caring, honest, genuine, sweet, and just all around one of the best people I have known. When I think of him, I think about his smile, and the way he would explain things. 

Last summer, he came to Girls Camp to teach the girls how to build a fire. He taught them how to make kindling if there was nothing around to use. He taught them how to build everything up around the kindling. He showed them the best way to keep it going as we kept it going from lunch time until we were ready to go to bed. I remember the look on his face the next morning when someone had already started a fire by the time he got up but had used a huge bundle of sticks rather then the method he had just taught the day before. Then, he just simply said it was a beautiful fire. 

I have known this man for 15 years, basically since I moved here. It’s hard to imagine not seeing him around. It’s harder knowing his wife is hurting, and I can’t do anything to take my friend’s pain away.