As I lose my autonomy more and more, I have been trying to decide how to handle this. As far as not even getting solace on my blog, I have decided that I’m just going to handle it with grace and ignore what I can’t control. I’m not going to hold back in what I write. I write my truth. I won’t mention certain people, but I will write about my feelings, my children, and my beliefs. Those are the reasons I wanted to write again, and I am not going to stop.
When it comes to losing it at work, I’m not sure I have much of a choice. I have gone through ups and downs with this company for the last eight years. I have looked for a new job but didn’t get hired anywhere before accepting my current position. I take this as a sign that I need to keep this job. It pays enough to take care of the kids and bills, and gives me the flexibility to take care of Noel’s health issues. I have been given the assurance from my boss that I do not have to report why I am leaving early in the public chat when needed as long as I keep the private conversation going that we have always had. I just have to report enough to appease the new VP. Since they don’t even understand what I do, reporting each invoice I work on probably won’t even make a difference. Reporting every time I walk away from my desk is stupid, and I refuse to do it. After a text telling my boss that I will not report every time I need to pee, my boss called me laughing saying he REALLY doesn’t want to know that either. This made me feel better but not great.
I feel like I’m losing myself again. I don’t like feeing boxed in. I will not let it happen in this space. This has been the only place I can really be me for many years, and I will not give it up for anyone or any reason.
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