Driving Tired: Not a Joking Matter

Have you ever heard someone joke about falling asleep at the wheel?

Have you ever driven tired?

When you did so, did you think of it as dangerous or funny?

Today, I am going to explain why you should not drive tired. I will talk about the dangers of driving tired, a car accident involving a driver who fell asleep at the wheel, and simple solutions to avoid this problem. What makes me so passionate about this issue? When I was 18 years old, a senior in high school, my mom and brother died when someone fell asleep at the wheel. If they had known how dangerous this could be, maybe they would have made different decisions.

My family members are not the only people that have tragically lost their lives in this manner. According to the CDC’s website, 7,500 people die each year in the U.S. due to drowsy or tired driving. You may say that you get enough sleep, so this will never happen to you, but what you may not realize is that according to the same article, if you sleep less than six hours a day, are prone to snoring, or known for unintentionally falling asleep during a regular day, you are more likely to fall asleep at the wheel than those who do not follow these patterns. This means you are already as risk. On episode 152 of Mythbusters, which aired November 3, 2010, they did a field test to find out what was more dangerous: driving drunk or driving tired. To do this, they used a closed course with stop and go elements and other distractions. They ran the course once after drinking enough alcohol to be legally drunk in their state according to a breathalyzer. Then, after sobering up, they stayed awake for 30 hours without the aid of stimulants and drove the course again. The results were this: they were far worse drivers when they were sleep deprived proving that not only is it dangerous to drive when tired, it can be more dangerous than driving under the influence.

There are steps you can take to avoid or lower your risk of driving drowsy. First, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, you should avoid driving during the peek times for tired driving which are from midnight to 6am and the late afternoon. Of course, you should avoid driving any time of day if you are tired when possible. Another suggestion is to make sure you are well rested before driving long hours such as when taking vacations. If they had followed this one step, my mom and brother may still be alive today.

I want you to imagine for just a little bit for me. Imagine that in one moment half of your family is gone. How does that feel? Now, think about that and answer this question, “Would you want to be the cause of that pain for someone else?” My mom, her roommate, and my brother were on their way to visit my aunt for a few days when they were in an accident that would change all of our lives. Rather than leaving in the morning, they had decided to leave around midnight thinking this would just simply get them to their destination earlier than planned. It was decided that they would drive in shifts. It was my mom’s roommate’s turn to drive as they drove into the early morning hours through New Mexico. As my mom slept in the passenger seat and my brother curled up in the back, her roommate fell asleep at the wheel, crashing into a guardrail. It happened so fast that she didn’t have the chance to react. My mom died on impact, and I am told my brother did too as he was ejected out of the rear window of the car, breaking his neck in several places. They most likely did not even know what had happened, and according to doctors, may not have even woken up. The woman driving had to live with the knowledge that she had just killed her best friend as well as her best friend’s son. My sister and I lost half of our family, and my dad lost his son in an instant. My sister and I have had to experience things such as getting married and having babies without our mother by our side. My dad does not get to see his only son live the life he had dreamed of having. Most tragic of all, this was completely avoidable.

Driving tired is not a joke. It can take lives.

As you plan your long trips, or even a trip to the grocery store, think before you drive. How tired are you? If you are too tired to do so, DO NOT DRIVE. If you think there is a possibility of getting drowsy on a long drive, make sure there are others to talk to, find music to listen to, or find places to stop and nap such as rest stops, gas stations, or even hotels.

My Next Adventure

I have been wanting to learn how to knit with two colors correctly for a long time, but I was not sure how I would get to learn since I don't live close enough to a yarn shop and can't really afford or have the time to spend to go to any of the yarn type conferences that have come to any towns within an hour of my home. Then, my friend released a class that included a cute pattern for gnome mittens. I asked for it for Christmas, but Chad did not know how it would work to give me a the time. Last week, I once again asked for the class. This time for my birthday. Chad was more than happy to give me the only thing I really asked for this time. I was sent the link to the class last week and ordered the needles and yarn right away. Today, I got the supplies in the mail. I am so excited to get started! I can't wait to be able to learn and develop this skill. 

I Passed!

 I have taken a few hard classes over the years. So far, Research Methods had been the hardest by far! I totally failed the class during the fall semester and decided to take it again this semester. Each week, I dreaded the assignments as I tried to bend my brain the way it needed to go. I tried to understand the concepts being taught and incorporate them into the big paper due at the end of the semester. I participated in every discussion trying to understand it better. Then, I would take the 200 point exam every 4ish week and fail it. Each time I would lose a letter grade. It was deflating. I felt like all of the work I had done was for nothing, but I kept on going. As life tried to get in the way, I kept in contact with the teacher to try to make sure I didn't fall further behind. 

Today, when I got off of work, I sat at the table with my laptop, a pencil, and some paper to study. For the next few hours, I went through all of the chapter quizzes and took notes making sure to look up any questions I had wrong. Then, I went through the study guide and took notes. Then, after dinner, I sat down to take the test. Sixty questions. Open book. One Hour. I prayed to be able to recall the information I had learned through the semester as well as the many hours today. This test would determine if I would pass or fail, and I really didn't want to have to take the class for a third time. 

In the end, I passed with a C. My final grade for the class is 75%. I have never worked so hard for a C in my life!

The Memes

Since a lot of people I know have jumped off of FB (mostly my sister), I have started saving memes to randomly send them (mostly her) because I can. Here are a few of my favorites from this week:

My sister loved this one. I can't read it without getting the darn song stuck in my head.

My mom would have loved this!

Need to Forgive

This morning, I was listening to President Nelson talk, The Power of Spiritual Momentum, and felt the need to work on forgiveness again. I went through this process a while back, and it gave me the peace I was seeking at the time. The problem is that I am struggling with harsh feelings towards this person again. The more I struggle with it, the less peace I feel within myself, and I hate that. 

When I started the Pathways program, I decided that my project for the the first semester of my religion class would be to forgive the person who hurt me the most. By the end of that semester, I could honestly say that I felt I had done so. I spent the next few years not even thinking about the pain this person had cause me, and I was actually able to interact with them again in a friendly manner thinking we had put our past behind us. 

This would all change about three years ago. (I will not go into details about that at this time.) At this point, I felt betrayed again out of nowhere, and it has continually gotten worse. I don't like how it has affected me or my children. 

Two years ago, I ended up in therapy to deal with my depression and feelings of inadequacy. My therapist had me start with splitting up chores around the house (which helped until the others stopped helping). Then, she suggested that I find a friend that I could see in person at least once a month. Even though we were still in the height of COVID, I was able to do so with someone I knew I could trust which also helped (and still helps). The next step was even harder. I had to look within my self to uncover where my feelings of inadequacy and shame came from. She suggested I read the book Healing the Shame that Binds You. By reading this, some memories came flooding back from my teenage years as well as my twenties. I ended up having to quit therapy because I could no longer afford it, but this gave me a place to start. 

Fast forward to now. I have worked out some of my issues with my mother and father in my head. It is easy to do. My mother was mentally ill. I can look back at the years and see that her decisions were not always she something she would have done had she been able to have the quality care she was finally finding near the end of her life. My dad did not always know what was going on. He put his trust in the wrong people from time to time, and sometimes it had consequences that hurt me more than he realized. The issue is that person who hurt me throughout my twenties.

I have come to realize that just because I forgive someone, I do not have to be friends with them. Forgiveness will bring me peace. Someone who is not seeking the same, will not care. What does that mean for me? I am going to work on forgiveness again. I am going to search out this peace again. I know it will take hard work, and it may take the rest of my life. However, I know my Heavenly Father will lead me in the right direction if I ask. He will bring me this miracle as many times as I need it because He loves me and wants me to feel this peace, too. 

A Bit More than Expected

Today, it my birthday. That's right. I am officially 44, older than my mom. I'm not totally sure how I feel about that. Since my last birthday, I have had in my head that I was at an age where I needed to start living my life for both myself and for her. I was worried that with Eric being Anthony's age and me my mom's age, there could be a curse. Thankfully, that was proven wrong, and I get to continue to live a life that would make her proud to be my mom while making sure to experience things she did not get the chance to experience. 

Today, I took off of work to take Noel and her friend to a conference they signed up for at the beginning of the year. She has been excitedly talking about it for months, and it was finally here. As we drove up to Fort Collins, she started to get more and more nervous. When we got there, the girls checked in, and I helped them bring their things to their room. Once she met her suitemates and got a text from another friend looking for her, she became more comfortable, and I was able to leave. I will miss her while she is gone, but I know she will be taken care of and have fun with her friends and getting to learn more people. 

That's when I got to find my way home in a hot car with no air conditioning. I couldn't use my GPS because my phone overheated. I found my way to a main road and somehow ended up in Loveland. Thankfully, I knew how to get home from there. Overall, it took me about an hour and a half to get home instead of an hour, but I was able to get home safely. 

I love my daughter and would be willing to take this adventure again for her any day. I am glad I was able to spend my time with her and her friend. I wish it was not 100* when I was driving home, but it was worth it. To top it off, I didn't have to work, and I was distracted from the idea of being older than my mom by taking this adventure.  

Our Identity as Children of God

“I am a beloved daughter of heavenly parents, with a divine nature and eternal destiny. 

As a disciple of Jesus Christ, I strive to become like Him. I seek and act upon personal revelation and minister to others in His holy name.

I will stand as a witness of God at all times and in all things and in all places.

As I strive to qualify for exaltation, I cherish the gift of repentance and seek to improve each day. With faith, I will strengthen my home and family, make and keep sacred covenants, and receive the ordinances and blessings of the holy temple.”

Some of you may recognize this as the Young Women’s theme. Every other week, as we meet on Sunday, we stand to recite it. I hope the girls understand that this is much more important that just one more thing to memorize and recite.

In his April 2022 General Conference talk, Elder Dale G. Renlund broke down the Young Women’s them and explained how throughout it, we are taught important truths about our divine identity as sons and daughters of God.

This is something I struggled with when I was a young woman. I was a weird kid who turned into an awkward teenager, and those that know me, even some that don’t, can see that the awkwardness never really went away. I was picked on and teased by my peers. I couldn’t see where my place was in this world. Then, I was asked to give a talk for Young Women in Excellence or another similar event about our identity as spiritual daughters of God, our divine nature. I remember being so excited when talking to my dad about this topic and realizing that I did have a place. I was meant to come to earth and had something to contribute. My existence was not a mistake or something that just happened by chance. I had made the most important decision I could make prior to my birth. I chose to fight on the side of Jesus Christ, to be born into a world where I would have the agency to make my own choices as I learned the way back to my Heavenly Father. How did I know I made this choice? I was here, on this earth, living that reality. I may be awkward and weird and not know how to do simple things like casually walk away when the conversation is over, but I am still a daughter of God who loves me, and I hope to continually be known as someone who will fight on the side of my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ.

If you are not a girl between the ages of 12 and 18, you may be wondering what the Young Women’s theme and a story of be being that age has to do with you. Elder Renlund addressed this when he said, “The profound doctrine taught in the Young Women theme is important for Young Women, but it is also applicable to all, including those of us who are not young women…Understanding this profound truth is important for everyone but especially for individuals belonging to groups who have been historically marginalized, oppressed, or subjugated. Remember that your most important identity relates to your divine nature as a child of God.”

There was a time after the “light bulb moment” I had as a teenager with my dad when I questioned my divine identity as a daughter of God again. I was married to a man who continually put me down, telling me that I was not worth much, pointing out my flaws continually. After a while, I began to believe him. I could only imagine now that, as I prayed to my Heavenly Father asking for forgiveness these “flaws,” He was saddened by the lack of self-worth I had at that point. The Lord does not want us to speak to each other in this manner. He teaches us to speak to each other as Christ would.  In his 1988 talk “Christlike Communication,” Elder L. Lionel Kendrick of the Frist Quorum of the Seventy said, “…we must be careful not only what we communicate, but also how we do so. Souls can be strengthened or shattered by the message and manner we communicate…Christlike communications are expressions of love rather than loudness. They are intended to be helpful rather than hurtful. They tend to bind us together rather than drive us apart. They tend to build us rather than belittle.” We should seek out those who build us up and help us feel our divine worth, and we should do the same for others.

Thankfully, the Lord sent me my wonderful husband to show me that I was important and had value. It wasn’t until a few years after marrying Chad that I could once again see that I had worth. As I have slowly healed from the effects of my first marriage, I have learned some things about myself and my divine identity, and I continue to learn these things. I believe that the Lord tried to show me this while I was still married to my first husband through experiences I had in the temple, but I was unable to recognize it at the time. Recognizing that this happens, Elder Renlund said, “…you are a beloved daughter. Nothing you do – or don’t do – can change that. God Loves you because you are His spirit daughter. God’s love is perfect. Our ability to sense that love is not.” This means our Heavenly Father will always be there for us because He loves us and will pour out that love even when we struggle to feel it simply because we are His children.

How do we know we are spirit sons and daughters of God? What could my dad have possibly told me, for probably the millionth time, as I came to the realizations previously spoken of? It is all available to us through the scriptures, General Conference talks, and other official declarations. In the Old Testament, Genesis 1:27 it says, “So God created man in his own image…male and female created he them.” In the Pearl of Great Price, Moses 1:12-13, we read, “…Satan came tempting him saying: Moses, son of man, worship me. And it came to pass that Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? For behold, I am the son of God…” In The Family: A Proclamation to the World, we are told, “All human beings – male and female – are created in the image of God. Each a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny.” 

Elder Boyd K. Packer said in his April 1989 talk, “You are a child of God. He is the father of your spirit. Spiritually you are of noble birth, the offspring of the King of Heaven…However many generations in your mortal ancestry, no matter what race or people you represent, the pedigree of your spirit can be written on a single line. You are a child of God!”

My final example is the children’s song we all know and love. A song I sang to my babies as I rocked them to sleep: “I am a Child of God” where we learn simple truths such as He sent us to our earthly home, He knows our needs, there are blessings He has in store for us, and He gave us people to lead us, guide us, walk beside us, and help us find our way back to Him.

A simple search on the Church’s website will show you more evidence that you are a son or daughter of God with “a divine nature and eternal destiny.”

I challenge you to seek out these truths especially if you are struggling like I was as a teenager and again as a young mother. If you need help, ask. There are many who are willing to help. Of course, whether or not you choose to ask someone in person, you can always ask Heavenly Father. He wants to help you! He wants you to know your worth as His child. He loves you!

 

Trying to Decide

For years, I have had the privacy settings on this blog set in a way where it is not completely private, but it is also not searchable in any way. This means that unless someone has the link because it was given to them or they got it from the links on my FB page or my Ravelry page, it is not discoverable. This has been tested on more than one search engine because I used to share pictures of my children on a regular basis and making it private made it too hard for even me to get to. 

I have been considering taking this protection off. It wouldn’t change what I write or the fact that I do so for me and my mental health. I only get about 3 or 4 views on most of my posts, and I really don’t think it would change who reads this blog. I have always been more of an under-the-radar kind of person. That would most likely not change. I just want the freedom of having something public. I don’t feel I can do this with FB, Instagram, or TikTok because of creepy old men and a few others (all of which I block). 

I’m going to have to consider the pros and cons for a little while before I make my final decision. I don't know which way I will go, but whatever I do, it will ultimately be MY choice. One of my favorite things about Chad is that I can make my own choices, and he will support my decisions. 

They Struggle, Too

 

I have seen many videos and memes making fun of these poor Gen Z kids for being "snowflakes" or “marshmallows.” It seems like my generation, Gen X, and the Boomer generation are especially hard on them. I know that we grew up with less materially. I know that we also grew up with less adult supervision. However, we also grew up with less social media. 

When we were growing up, we could leave our bullies at school. Unless we ran into them in the wild, for the most part we were free of them during school breaks. These kids do not get that luxury. If they are on social media or have given their number out to the wrong kid, this bullying follows them everywhere they go. Even if they block people, they can be harassed through their friends if the bullies are particularly viscous. We, as adults, need to understand this. We can't just tell these kids that we were once their age and know what it is like because to some extent this is not true. 

Our kids are hurting. We need to be part of the solution, not part of the problem. There is a reason the suicide rate for these kids is higher than it has ever been. We need to listen to our kids and help them feel loved instead of rejected. Even when they are doing things that are stupid or rude. Have we become so desensitized to other people's feelings that we can't even do this simple thing. 

Micromanaged from Home

I have been working from home since March 2020. Unless I find a new job, this will not change. The company I work for decided this model works for them and let their office lease go at the end of last year. For the most part, it has worked great for me (I do get a bit of cabin fever sometimes). I have been free to work and take care of my family when needed. 

I work with numbers essentially making sure the customers are billed correctly. I was in the finance department until December when I went back to dispatch where I basically make sure pickup and delivery times are correct so that the bills are correct. (It’s a bit more complicated than that, but that is the easiest way to explain it.) I am a behind the scenes person, and I like it that way. I like knowing that the work I completed is done, and I like that no one else will mess it up. Most people don’t even want to deal with it at all. 

A few weeks ago, a new manager was hired after someone was promoted to VP of this department. This new manager, who is over both dispatch and customer service, has decided to try to micromanage where she can. How can she do that to a bunch of people working from home? Microsoft Teams. She sent out an email last week saying she wants everyone to put in the chat when they check in and out along with breaks and what they are working on. 

I understand that for a call center type setting, she would want to know that everyone is in their seats working. I don’t understand the lack of trust. I have been trusted to just get my work done for years. I’m not leaving my house during the workday. I am swamped with so much work that I am always playing catch-up. The manager directly above me knows what I am doing and why it is taking so long. This extra step is causing more problems for me because once I check in to one place, I forget to do it the other place. I have had to submit change reports for my time card three times this week. Most of the time I don’t have to do this at all. 

I am trying to accept this change with grace, but it’s stupid!

Confession

I didn’t pick up my meds at the end of May. I finally call the pharmacy and had them refilled again over the weekend and picked them up when we went grocery shopping Tuesday. That means I have only been taking them for two days. Since it takes a while to build up enough in my system, I still don’t feel right. It sucks! 

I don’t know if it it’s age or something else, but every time I stop taking my meds, my thyroid symptoms are worse. This time, my muscles ache at odd times. It’s like the simplest things are a full workout. I can’t wait until I have taken those darn pills long enough to make a difference. 

Today’s Wordle (spoiler)

I was doing the Wordle today and got stuck. By the end of my 3rd attempt, I had BLA figured out and a lot of letters ruled out. As I stared at my phone, all I could think of was “blave.” Apparently, watching The Princess Bride so many times does have one disadvantage. 

Olive

Noel had a bit of a scare very early this morning when her cat, Olive, decided to try to attack a cat in our backyard through the window. She ended up inadvertently getting Noel instead. Olive was so loud that she startled the dogs awake which woke Chad and I. After jumping out of bed, Chad ran out to the backyard to chase the nuance cat away. Then, he grabbed the first aid kit to try to help Noel clean up the scrapes on her arms. After everything had settled, Noel and I went back to bed, and Chad stayed up with the dogs since they were up for the morning. (The dogs get upset if we all go back to bed once they are up for the morning.) Sweet little Olive at this point proved how sweet she is and reminded us why we got her to begin with by cuddling up to Noel letting her know she was sorry for hurting her. 

I have a history of not really liking cats that much because I have been around a lot of mean cats. Olive has proven that cats can be sweet when they are treated kindly. We got her for Noel in 2020 to help with the feelings of isolation, and she continues to be a comfort when needed. If all cats were like Olive, I would probably not be so adverse to the majority of them.   

They’re Home

Due to a bit of miscommunication, the kids came home a day later than I had expected. I may have had a few hours of freaking out and imagining they were dead in a ditch someone in the mountains Sunday when I thought they would be home and I couldn't get ahold of anyone. Thankfully, Eric was able to get one bar at the bathrooms and let me know when they would be home. 

They got home at about 5:00 last night. I was so relieved to see them. I miss them so much when they are gone! 

The Talk and the Speech

This week I have to give a talk in church and deliver a speech for my communications class. The speech for my class is basically my final. It has to be about 7 minutes long, in front of a live audience of at least one person, and be persuasive. The topic I chose was "Do Not Drive Tired." I use the story of losing my mom and brother as the basis for the speech which not only helps my credibility, it also helps evoke emotion. My talk for church is about our divine nature as children of God. It is supposed to be 7 to 10 minutes and based on Elder Renlund's talk from the women's session of the last conference. 

As a Young Women's leader, I was excited to see that the talk I was given as a reference was based on the Young Women theme. I started writing it about a week a go, and it really came together Saturday. I feel like it will be a decent talk as long as I practice it throughout the week rather than awkwardly reading it at the pulpit like I normally do. 

I have been told that the speech for the class is good and evokes emotion. I have two more official practices before I perform it in front of a “live audience" (most likely my husband and children). My hope is that I will be able to perform the speech with more eye contact that the last one (I really need to work on this). 

Honestly, I am nervous to perform both the talk and the speech. I just need to have the faith that the delivery will reflect the work I have put into them. 

Top Gun Maverick Review (some spoilers)

Last night, Chad and I were finally able to set aside the time to see Top Gun: Maverick.( I kind of feel like we were some of the last people to see this movie.) Between his work schedule and my school schedule, it is hard for us to be able to find enough time to do things like this. With the kids gone with people I fully trust, I was able to sit down and do all of my homework with a clear mind, and even though he was working in Boulder, Chad got home from work at a decent time last night, so we bought tickets and headed out. 

For the most part, I liked the movie. It had just the right amount of action. It seems like a lot of action movies lately have so much action that it gets overwhelming. Having the action scenes at just the right times is exciting and fun! I loved that they found this balance in this movie. 

The bad:

They spent too much time at the beginning trying to recreate scenes from the original movie while setting up the story. As they did so, the dialog felt forced, and the acting was not as good. 

The good:

There was so much good in this movie! There was a scene where Goose's son, Rooster, is at the piano at the bar singing "Great Balls of Fire." Maverick is outside and flashes back to when Goose did the same and gets emotional. This is when the movie transitions into a real movie rather than a forced attempt to try to recreate the first movie combined with setting up the story line. 

The conflict between Rooster and Maverick felt natural and had a bit of a twist as we find out Maverick pulled Rooster's papers from the Naval Academy rather than it being simply because he was the cause of Goose's death. 

I liked the build up to the mission. Showing the dangers and difficulty in the training setting made the actual mission scene intense and exciting to watch. 

There are a lot more scenes that I liked, but I don't want to break down the entire movie. 

The funny:

This is not completely related to Top Gun, but it is in a way. I have been watching Cougar Town lately. There is one episode where they talk about Tom Cruise's "movie run" specifically how he "chops the air" as he runs. They even do the run in formation later in the episode. As Maverick ran away from danger, he ran this way, and I had to hold back my laughter. 

Overall, I loved this movie. I just wish they had not spent so much time trying to recreate scenes from the original. 

No Surrender

 

As I lose my autonomy more and more, I have been trying to decide how to handle this. As far as not even getting solace on my blog, I have decided that I’m just going to handle it with grace and ignore what I can’t control. I’m not going to hold back in what I write. I write my truth. I won’t mention certain people, but I will write about my feelings, my children, and my beliefs. Those are the reasons I wanted to write again, and I am not going to stop. 

When it comes to losing it at work, I’m not sure I have much of a choice. I have gone through ups and downs with this company for the last eight years. I have looked for a new job but didn’t get hired anywhere before accepting my current position. I take this as a sign that I need to keep this job. It pays enough to take care of the kids and bills, and gives me the flexibility to take care of Noel’s health issues. I have been given the assurance from my boss that I do not have to report why I am leaving early in the public chat when needed as long as I keep the private conversation going that we have always had. I just have to report enough to appease the new VP. Since they don’t even understand what I do, reporting each invoice I work on probably won’t even make a difference. Reporting every time I walk away from my desk is stupid, and I refuse to do it. After a text telling my boss that I will not report every time I need to pee, my boss called me laughing saying he REALLY  doesn’t want to know that either. This made me feel better but not great. 

I feel like I’m losing myself again. I don’t like feeing boxed in. I will not let it happen in this space. This has been the only place I can really be me for many years, and I will not give it up for anyone or any reason.

Camping with the Grandparents

 My children have wonderful grandparents who love them dearly on both sides of their family. Unfortunately, my parents are unable to travel because of my step-mother's heath. Thankfully, their other grandparents are not only close enough for my kids to have a good relationship with them, they love camping with their family. Starting the year I was divorced, they have taken my kids with them every summer for a big campout where they invite their kids and grandkids.

The first year they went, I drove out with them to Granby, spent one night, and went home with the assurance that Eric, Sean, and Noel would be cared for by their grandparents The kids got to spend time with their cousins, and I was able to have a few days where I could go to work and not worry about my 5, 7, and 9 year old children. It was a nice relief from the pressures of being a single parent. 

The following year, their grandparents offered to take the kids again for this big family campout. (I think this was the year their father went, but I may be wrong about the year he went.) They had a lot of fun, felt special, and got to go somewhere they would not have been able to go otherwise. 

This has become a tradition. There were some years that I was asked the scout camp schedules to make sure that there was not a conflict, and they were kind enough to schedule around it. One year, they were with them on my birthday, and I was sent pictures of my children with a happy birthday message. For the most part, this is something my children look forward to. I am not convinced that they all like camping, but I know they like spending time with people they love that love them. 

Last year, Eric was not able to go. He had moved out, was looking for a job, and didn't want to leave his girlfriend behind. Noel said it just wasn't the same. This year, not only did Eric and his girlfriend go, they picked up Sean and Noel before heading over to their grandparents' house to caravan with them and their aunt, uncle, and cousin. 

After the funeral last week, we took all of the kids out to eat and made the arrangements for Eric and Peyton to pick up the siblings. They talked about whether Sean and Noel would ride with them just to the grandparents' house or all the way to the camping destination. Noel really wanted to ride with Eric. Sean seemed to not really have an opinion who he rode with until Eric told Sean he would have his own seat row in their vehicle. That cinched it. Sean was excited that he would have so much room. 

Yesterday, Eric picked up his siblings around 8:30. He loaded up everything in the trunk other than what they wanted to have with them for the drive, they gave me hugs, and they were gone. 

It makes me happy they are able to get along well enough to do this together. I love that they have grandparents that are willing and able to take the kids all of these places even when they have to pivot and camp closer to home. I hope to someday be able to see as much of this beautiful country as my children have been able to see. 

These Kids

I love my children more than anything in the world. They know that I do, and they know that my love is unconditional. 

A few years ago, they fought a lot. They would often say they hated each other. Eric would say things like if he didn’t have to spend time with them, he wouldn’t. It would make me so sad and angry. I would remind them all of the times I wished my brother were still here, and tell them they needed to treat each other better because if something happened to one of them, they would wish they had been kinder. Often these speeches were met with eye rolls and snarky comments. 

Maybe they just needed more space or time to grow up a bit. They are not like that now. Now, they laugh and joke with each other. If one is hurting and the others know it, they try to help them. They will even defend their siblings if needed. 

I am loving watching this transition from enemy to friend! It has made all of the, “If my brother were alive…” conversations worth it. I hope this continues for many years. 

Proud of Myself

For Valentines Day, Chad got me a cheese board that I have wanted for a while. It is beautiful, and I love it. The problem is that I was having a hard time finding just the right time to use it. I was going to use it for Mother's Day, but I forgot to buy stuff for it. (I know. Typical Rosa.) I considered it for Memorial Day, but we had so many left overs from Sean's party that we just had that all weekend. That means that July 4th was my next chance to celebrate with charcuterie arrangement. 

Since I had to work, I had to send Chad to the store with a list. Thankfully, I can do this without worrying. It is just something we usually do together, so I wasn't a fan of just sending him to the store. He did a good job picking out the perfect fruit. When the cheese was out that I had on the list, he found a better cheese. It was actually the one I wanted. I just wasn't sure if he would be able to find it.

When I got off work, I washed my hands, got out a knife and cutting board, and went to work on my master piece. I am not normally the person who likes doing this kind of thing, and I have said in the past that I wasn't going to get sucked up into this trend. Just like when I have said this in the past, I got sucked in as everyone seems to be walking away from it. Really, it was more fun than I though it would be. An added plus was that I was able to serve a bit of something that everyone liked. No one complained. We had pleasant conversation where we laughed and joked with each other. It was such a pleasent experience that I hope to not wait for a "special occasion" to do this again. 

Positive Communication

I have been taking a communications class this semester. I originally only signed up for the class because it was my last 100-level class that I needed to take for my degree, and I needed something easy to balance out the Research Methods class I had to retake that I was dreading. When I opened the syllabus in April, my insecurities seeped in. Seeing the weekly Zoom meetings and number of speeches I would need to prepare and give made me nervous. I did not think I could do it. I was wrong. Not only am I doing it, I am thriving in this class and learning so much. After giving my first speech, my instructor asked if I would like some continual coaching when the class was over. She is a motivational speaker and has a coaching business on the side. She said she offered her talented students free coaching for about a month during the summer, something for which she would normally charge about $300. Not only did this make me feel good about taking this class, it makes me feel like she helped me find a hidden talent that I would like to develop. It is amazing what a few encouraging words can do!

Row vs. Wade Thoughts

 I feel the need to voice  my opinion about abortion laws/rights in light of Row vs Wade being overturned and the reactions on social media of which many have chosen to attack people of faith. 

 I have never been pregnant with a baby I did not want, so I cannot say I formed an opinion based on personal experience from that point of view. I base my opinions on my religious views and my personal feelings from being pregnant with my children along with my ability to understand that there are other reasons for people to seek this option other than just plain not want to have a baby.

I do not believe abortion should be used as birth control. I believe both men and women should be more careful with their sexual practices. For the most part, people having sex know that a baby could result from it. I understand that birth control could fail. I was told by my mom that I am the result of birth control failing in some way. 

I am not sure where the line is drawn between a baby being trash and a baby deemed valuable enough to let live. It seems like if a pregnancy is not expected or wanted, it is not reasonable to expect a woman to keep the pregnancy. If the woman is excited about a pregnancy, it is a loved and real from the beginning. If a woman was excited about her pregnancy when she was murdered, we hear all about it no matter how far along she was: her due date, the sex of the baby, the baby's name (if it is known). For example, when Shannan Watts and her daughters were murdered, along with the wonderful things said about them, we heard about that baby, including the sex and name. There was even outrage that he was not charged in the baby's death. However, if a woman is pregnant and as far along as Shannan was with an "unwanted" pregnancy, it is perfectly acceptable for her to kill the baby by having an abortion. I do not understand this logic. 

I believe that all life is precious and should be treated as such. (To put that into perspective, I also don't believe in the death penalty, but I won't go into that right now.) Abortion for birth control spits in the face of that belief. God created life, and that should be respected. President Kimble said, "Abortion must be considered one of the most revolting and sinful practices in this day...to submit to or perform an abortion except in rare cases...should be done only after counseling...and after receiving divine confirmation through prayer." He sends us these precious spirits to teach and love, not to throw away like trash. 

I understand that there are pregnancies that are a result from one night stands or a drunken mistake or whatever other "mistakes" happen. Here’s an idea, don't have sex if you don't want there to be a chance that a baby could be the result. Is this a lot to ask? Maybe, but that is how I see it. That is truly taking control of your body and your choices. By the way, I think men should do the same. When sex results in a pregnancy, they should be held responsible at least financially.

When a baby is the result of rape or incest, if there is no possibility of the baby surviving outside the womb, or if the mother's life is in danger, abortion could be an option. This should only be done after careful consideration. I could understand why this would be necessary in these cases. I have known someone who carried a baby to term knowing she would not survive outside the womb. She was crushed knowing that her precious girl could not live on her own. When she was told  by the insurance that he only way they would cover the "birth" would be if she carried the baby to term or miscarried, it added to her pain. She loved her baby more each day, knowing that their time together was limited. After the baby was born, she live only a short time, and the mother had to heal from a C-section and go through the process of forcing her milk to dry up without the reward of caring for her daughter. Her pain was real. She would have been in pain either way, but it seemed to be extended by the insurance company's decision to not allow a medical procedure that may or may not have helped the healing process. It was legal for her to have an abortion, but she was not able to do it. My question: Where were all of the people who claim to care about these mothers when she needed the money and support? My (possibly cynical) answer: They didn't care because she was not their target. They only care about supporting the women who didn't want the baby. 

Am I happy about the "trigger laws" that resulted from the overturning of Row vs. Wade? Not necessarily. Outlawing all abortions can be dangerous. If the mother dies as a result of a pregnancy, the baby would most likely die, too. How is that saving a life? If there is no chance of a baby surviving after birth, why put the family through the prolonged pain of anticipating a birth knowing there would be death at the same time? If the baby is the result of rape or incest, there should not be a forced, constant reminder of the trauma they endured more than the resulting PTSD that is inevitable thanks to the horrible person who thought it was their right to force themselves on someone. That being said, there should be careful consideration in these cases to assure more mental or spiritual trauma would be caused by this choice because it is a permeant decision. 

Funeral Day

 Today, I will be going to the funeral for a great man. He was caring, honest, genuine, sweet, and just all around one of the best people I have known. When I think of him, I think about his smile, and the way he would explain things. 

Last summer, he came to Girls Camp to teach the girls how to build a fire. He taught them how to make kindling if there was nothing around to use. He taught them how to build everything up around the kindling. He showed them the best way to keep it going as we kept it going from lunch time until we were ready to go to bed. I remember the look on his face the next morning when someone had already started a fire by the time he got up but had used a huge bundle of sticks rather then the method he had just taught the day before. Then, he just simply said it was a beautiful fire. 

I have known this man for 15 years, basically since I moved here. It’s hard to imagine not seeing him around. It’s harder knowing his wife is hurting, and I can’t do anything to take my friend’s pain away. 

Education Journey

I’m a senior in college. That is a sentence I would not have even imagined I would have said 15 to 20 years ago. I wanted to go back to school so badly. I had only planned to take a year or two off when I decided not to go right after high school, but life and circumstances changed. Before I knew it, I was married with three kids, and that husband was completely against me furthering my education. The thing is, the desire to grow as a person did not go away.

After each child was born, I felt a greater desire to be better in so many ways. By the time my third baby was five months old, I was starting to wonder where the girl who loved to learn went. I loved my children (and still do). I wanted them to have a better life than we were providing them, and I was starting to realize that would not happen at the rate we were going. He was working a job that we were barely scraping by on, and I was a stay-at-home mom who wasn’t even allowed to work.

One night, after going to bed, I gave him an ultimatum; either he needed to go to school or I would. I honestly thought he would let me go because he hated school and hadn’t even finished high school. That was not how it happened. He ended up going to community college. It was not what I expected, but I cheered him on as he embarked on the journey with the expectation that he would at minimum have an associate degree in the end. The goal was to better the family, right? 

About a year and a half later, I sat in a woman’s conference a had a strong feeling that I needed to go back to school while listening to President Monson speak. (I think this will always be my favorite talk because it is my inspiration to further my education.) That night, I went home and prayed about it. I even thought I knew what program would work best with the responsibilities I had at home. Then, I approached the husband with my plan. I was told I couldn’t do it. After all, who would take care of the kids while I was in school? Plus, I would obviously cheat on him if I did. (Maybe, a bit of a confession on his part…)

A few years later, I found myself needing to get a job to help support my family, and a year and a half after that, I was a single mother just trying to survive. At this point, I was enrolled in online classes, but I resented the man who told me I couldn’t go previously and had made it difficult once I did so anyway. I felt as though if he had allowed it instead of him going or even once I started begging in 2007, I would have been in a better position to fulfill the financial obligations of being the sole provider for my children.

Fast forward a few more years. I am now married to an amazing man who wants me to fulfill my dreams. I finished the degree I was working on during my divorce and thought I would try to find a way to use it. I mean, it was a degree in business management, a quite versatile degree. The government blocked that plan when many for profit schools were closed down without notice and our transcripts were destroyed leaving us in debt with a piece of paper no longer worth the thousands of dollars we still have to pay in the form of student loans. This was frustrating and left me feeling defeated once again, but once again I dusted myself off and rose to the challenge. After having the accreditation stripped from the school I received my associates degree from, my husband and I both had the strong impression that I should attend the Pathways program through BYU-I and pursue a bachelors degree. Which brings me to where I am today. 

Here I am. A senior in college. It has taken many years to get here, and I still have almost two years to go as a part-time student, but I am doing it. I am accomplishing my dream! I will be able to say I finished! 

So Many Thoughts

I am who I am, and I resent being told that this is wrong. I am proud to be a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. There are people who think that this is a reason to attack me or my friends. I know people that choose to attack anyone who believes in God and Jesus Christ. I find it interesting that those who do this claim it is because "all Christians are hateful." They say that we all discriminate against this broad group or that broad group. I find it interesting that these people would discriminate against a large group of people to prove a point about discrimination. 

What does this mean about how I believe? I know God, the Father, and Jesus Christ are real. I know Jesus died for my sins and suffered all that I have and will suffer. I know that he did so for each and every person who has and will grace this earth. He is not just the Savior of straight, white men. He is the Savior of all mankind. It hurts me when I hear people of any religious affiliation say otherwise. 

I was not raised to judge people based on their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, etc. I was, also, raised a bit naïve to the issues of those who are different may have had. It wasn't until I was working in call centers and faced head on with some of these issues that I began to understand some of these issues in even the smallest way. 

I believe there is no real way for me to fully understand someone else's life or point of view. I can listen. I can try to relate. I cannot say that I know everything about them. No one can say they know everything and have felt everything about my life either. 

I am the daughter of a mother who came out in the 90s. My mom confided in me when I was 13 before she fully came out and left my dad to live with her girlfriend. It took me many years after her death to realize that this may have been hard for her instead of seeing how hard it was for me. I will always live with the abandonment issues caused by her leaving. It was not easy being an almost 14 year old told that my mom was gone, my brother and sister knew where she was, but she would not tell me where she was because I was the most likely to tell my dad. These experiences shaped me in ways that I can't really explain. 

My brother was my protector. At one time, he told me that if a dude was threatening me, I should go to him, but if it was a girl, I needed to have my sister protect me. I was seen as the weaker sibling because I was the "girly" one. I didn't take offense to this. It was just the dynamic we had. 

The summer I turned 15, he proved that he would fight for me. A man was brought into our house to supposedly help my brother with his problems. We were expected to call him our brother and treat him as such. (At this point, my mom and her girlfriend were staying in a room in our basement with the understanding they were to be in separate twin beds.) One day, I thought I was the only one home when I woke up. I took a shower and went down the hall to my room in just a towel. Out of habit, I locked the bedroom door, and I am glad I did. The man staying in our home had seen me walk down the hall and followed me. He tried to get in my room. I was holding the doorknob hoping it wouldn't turn, pressed up against the door that was bending under his weight, and screaming for help. At this point, Anthony came home from wherever he had been. He heard the commotion and ran to find out what was going on. He ran down the hall, pulled the man off the door, threw him against the wall, and punched him. He was truly my hero in that moment. A few months later, he once again had the chance to prove he would protect me. I came home from school to only the man in question being there. He had not put the bed away into the couch that day, so it was right there as I walked into the door. He grabbed me and threw me against the bed, held my arms over my head with one hand and tried to do other things to me with the other hand as he licked my face. Once again, I was screaming and crying not knowing what I could do to stop what I knew this was leading to. Luckily, Anthony came home to from school to change for work at this time. He pulled him off of me and fought him once again. We never told our parents, but I will always see my brother fist and foremost as my protector. 

Three years later was the worst year of my life. I lost both of these integral people in an instant. My mom had made some major changes in her life which included trying to heal our relationship the year before. We had been talking about me moving in with her and going to community college once I graduated high school. My bother had moved into his first apartment a few months prior to this event. I had declared that my senior year would be unforgettable. Little did I know, this would be true for completely different reasons than I had expected. August 29, 1996, I went to work in a costume my mom had made for me to make balloon animals for the customers. My mom stopped by to let me know she was leaving that night for her trip instead of the next day, and Anthony would be going with them. The next morning, I woke to my brother's dog whining and was annoyed. I said that I couldn't wait until they got back because I didn't want to have to deal with his dog that early in the morning. Later that day, my dad came to the school, took my sister and I out of class, and told us something that would change our lives forever. Our mom and brother were involved in a car accident. My mom's "roommate" had fallen asleep at the wheel. My brother was ejected, his neck broken in many places, he did not make it. Our mother had been crushed by the guardrail and had died on impact. In this one moment, as my sister and I were complaining about the annoying dog that missed her person, we had lost half of our family and didn't even know it yet. It did not matter that we no longer lived with them. It did not matter that our mom had spent the past four or five years trying to decide what she wanted her role to be in our family. It did not matter that our brother had abandoned our beliefs. They were gone, and it hurt. It still hurts.

Do not tell me that I do not understand real loss. Do not tell me I don't understand what it feels like for someone to overpower you, not knowing how to defend yourself. Do not tell me I have not seen the anguish of someone being forced into a box that did not fit them. I have experienced all of these things. They have shaped who I am and what I believe. 

People can judge me all they like. I don't like it, but I can't change it. Everyone judges others in one way or another. Those who say they don't are either in denial or lying.  

Dog Love

We really have the sweetest dogs! Aqua is often a ball of energy. She thinks that everyone who comes to visit is there for her, and she doesn’t seem to understand that they don’t want her to jump on them. We have to either send her outside or lock her in our room when most people come over. It’s not unusual for her to spend time running up and down the hall a few times a day. When she wants us to pay attention to her, she will sit in front of us smiling and do the cutest little bark. She doesn’t understand that she is a big dog, so this often is followed with her climbing on our laps. Sophie is a sweet little dog that has bonded to me so much that she hates it when I am not in the same room as her. If the door is closed, she will scratch at it until she is let in. It is not unusual for her to assume she gets to go with me. She is a bit spoiled. Dexter thinks he is the protector of the house. He barks at everybody and everything. He is harmless but doesn’t want the outside world to know. 

Yesterday, they all sensed I was sad. As I laid down in bed, they each had their own special way of letting me know they cared. Dexter laid down quietly on the floor. Aqua curled up to my side. Sophie walked across Aqua, nosed my phone out of my hand, and curled up next to my shoulder. Then, we all slept for about an hour. No one distributed us. It was just the dogs and me. I did not realize how much I needed that until it happened. 

I am feeling better today and better able to focus on helping my dear friend. I am thankful my family gave me the time I needed to be alone and the dogs who just wanted me to feel better. I am truly blessed. 

Why

 I often sit and wonder why this is my life. Why have I face so much death? There has to be a reason. I know the Lord has a plan for me. I just wish that it wasn’t filled with so much heartache sometimes. They say grief is proof that we love and have been loved. I guess that means that I love and am loved very much. 

I called my boss today because I am struggling to wrap my head around simple things that are even the littlest bit out of my daily routine. I told him about my friend, and I started to cry. He told me to take the rest of the day off. I apologized for not getting much work done today and asked if they even believe me anymore when I tell them stuff like this. He told me that not only does he believe me, I am one of only three of his employees that he does believe at face value. That means a lot to me, so why am I still lying here on my bed crying? 

My hubby thinks I just need to leave the house. Not only do I not want to right now, I don’t want to fulfill my responsibilities for the rest of the day. I just want to be lay here numb. I don’t know how else to grieve. 

I’m Sad

Yesterday was an emotional day for a few reasons. First and most important, my friend’s husband passed away unexpectedly from a heart attack. (I’m not going to identify the friend because it is not my place to do so.) I want to help her so bad, but I don’t know what I can do to help. She had me respond to another text she received about another funeral at our church. I took care of that, and I offered to take care of the Young Women as long as needed. I will not be as good at it as she is, but I can do my best. For now, that is all I can do. I am sad that he is gone. I am sad that my friend has to live with this agony. I don’t even know what I would do if I lost my husband. For me, it is one of those unimaginable pains that I hope not to feel for many years. 

Second, my children had to face the backlash of my last entry. I really didn’t see that coming. Sean was very upset that he “finally” got to speak on the phone to his dad just to be told not to come to their weekly meet up. I hugged him as he cried. I remember the feeling of abandonment when my mom would do stuff like that. I remember feelings of “why is my sibling good enough, but I’m not.” It is a pain I never wanted my children to feel, but I can’t prevent it from happening. On top of that, my daughter was confronted about it. Neither one of them knew what I had done on a hunch. I’m not going to take it down because I write for me, but I wish I had know what the backlash would have been. I don’t get many views on this blog, and unless I am writing for school, I treat this as a journal of sorts. If the ex and his wife want to continue to cyber stalk me, I guess I will take it as a compliment from now on. I must be a really interesting person. 

Today, I am sad. I’m sad my kids are hurting. I am sad my friend is hurting. I wish I could take their pain away. 

Stop It!

To my ex-husband's wife:

Stop It! Stop reading my blog. Stop taking the lies that your husband says about me and my religion and attempting to use them against me. Stop acting like you know me, my personality, my likes and dislikes, my political affiliation, etc. I have only talked to you a few times about trivial things. You have not taken the time to get to know me. You are more interested in talking crap about me than actually trying to find out what is true. Stop treating my kids like crap and talking bad about them when they are not there. 

I love my kids more than I love myself. They are my world. The main complaint my ex-husband voiced while we were married was that I ignored him to take care of the children too much. He said I was not strict enough with them, and I coddled them too much. I agree with this assessment. My current husband has said the same thing many times. 

Just so you know, I continually deal with the mental trauma he put me though for the 12ish years we were married. I do not care if you believe that he was the abusive one. I just need you to stop telling my daughter that I am a horrible person.

Thank you for being a fan of my blog. 

Rosa

P.S. I blocked you on FB because there is no reason for you to be looking me up on there so much, and I thought it was creepy. 

My Sweet Sean

Since I was pregnant with Sean, his father has made it obvious that he was not as interested in this child. He even accused me of having an affair saying the baby was not his. (Looking back, I think he was cheating and would have felt better I was as well.) This attitude continued after he was born. 

Sean's dad seemed to be excited for him to be born and went to all of the doctor appointments leading up to his birth. However, within a few hours of Sean's birth, he left the hospital to get Eric and go home. This left Sean and I alone in the hospital for the night. The next day, he brought Eric to the hospital, and I took care of both boys for a while. 

Once we were all home, I thought we were as happy as we could be with a toddler and a newborn. As I struggled to take care of the boys, he would put on a video in the mornings as Eric and I cuddled on the floor and Sean slept in the swing next to me so I could get some sleep. When Sean had RSV, the dad would take care of Eric at night if needed as I slept in a chair with my sick baby. He even worked two jobs for about the first 6 months of Sean's life to try to pay off some debt. 

During the first year or two of Sean's life, it was rare for me to be seen without him. If I tried to go out without the boys, Sean would scream the whole time I was gone. When I would get home, I would walk in to my husband at the time looking disheveled, and Sean sweating and red faced from crying for an hour or two. I would feel so bad knowing all my precious boy wanted was me, so I rarely left him behind. This never happened when he was left with grandparents.

Now, let's fast forward to the past year. I was told last summer that the kids' step-mother and step-sister were counting down the days until Sean turned 18. They had figured that Sean would stop going to their house on the weekends as Eric did not long after his 18th birthday. Instead, Sean kept going and was tagged as the reason for strife in their house. In reality, he was not going to make them miserable. He was going to try to spend time with his father. 

In January, Sean erupted in anger towards his step-brother and the friends of the step-brother that were there for a birthday party. At this point, Sean was told he did not have to return to their house. To me, Sean was kicked out. To Sean, he was finally given to choice to not have to be there. 

After this, the kids' father would only communicate with Noel about Tuesday nights (a time he has spent with the kids since the divorce). He often cancels, and if Noel forgets to tell him, Sean puts his shoes on when it is time to be picked up and paces the living room until he finally gives up and asks Noel what is going on. It is heartbreaking to watch. Even when Noel does remember to tell Sean, he is sad and frustrated that his dad does not care enough to tell him that he is canceling himself. 

Tonight, we got in a conversation about relatives with mental illness at dinner. We talked about my mom and his dad. We talked about the issues their mental illness has caused us. I mentioned how my mom leaving and not telling us where she was for a while affected me (essentially causing abandonment issues). He said he felt the same issues because he has never felt his dad actually cared about him. This broke my heart. I have been trying for all of these years to make up for what his was not getting from his dad thinking that my efforts would be enough. Apparently, I was wrong. Even with my husband and I doing everything would could to assure Sean knows he is loved, he still feels the lack of it from his father. 

I really wish there was something I could do to counteract the rejection my child has experienced since before he was born, but there isn't. Not even the love from another father figure makes up for what his biological father lacks. My mommy heart is breaking for my sweet Sean tonight. 

I am Not Broken

A man tried to rape me. 

It broke me.

I was sent away while he was allowed to stay.

It broke me. 

My mom and brother died. 

It broke me. 

I was accused of only caring about her money. 

It broke me. 

I was told I was selfish in my grief. 

It broke me. 

I was told the one person who would let me grieve was bad. 

It broke me. 

I lost the close relationship I had with my dad.

It broke me.

I was mentally and emotionally abused by my spouse.

It broke me. 

I am no longer that broken person.

I am gathering up the pieces.

I am sealing it with gold. 

I am stronger and more valuable because I was broken. 

I will never be the same. 

I am better. 

Becoming Patient

 Praying for patience

Praying for patience this week has brought reasons to be more patient. Monday, Noel went to in for a well check up at a new-to-her doctor's office. I switched her to my doctor's office because I did not feel we had been listened to at the office we had been going to. I asked them about some discoloration in her skin that we have been asking about for the past few years. They are concerned about them in combination with how often she has been sick over the past few years. They said she may have a rare neurological disorder that can cause problems with her brain and spine. They referred us to specialists at Children's hospital. We are now waiting for the genetics department to call back to find out when she will be able to have an appointment and what sub group she has to see. There will be a lot of waiting to find out if she has this and how it will affect the rest of her life. Tuesday, she stayed home sick because of the affects from the shots she received. Wednesday, she called me from school with the same symptoms to pick her up. Also, that day, Sean was home sick. I took off work early to take him into the walk-in clinic. We waited around for a while and decided to come home because I had to get to another appointment. Sean stayed home again Thursday. I was not able to have time to myself until last night. We will see how the rest of this experiment goes. So far, the worst part is the waiting to see if my sweet girl has a genetic disorder that can affect how much pain she experiences for the rest of her life. 

Sean and Noel Drive

My goal for this week was to have each of the kids with permits driver everyday of the week. This would help me with my patience because I get tense when they drive, and it would help them driver better because they would get more practice. I forgot to take them out twice, but I did have both of them drive Wednesday. Each time Sean gets better which makes it easier to be patient with him. Noel, on the other hand, is getting better slower and continues to tell me that she knows what she is doing. This is not helpful for her learning to drive, and it tries my patience. I will continue working with them. (I kind of have to anyway.) I have learned though that part of my issue is that I am so afraid of getting into an accident because of how my mom and brother died that I need to have someone else take Noel out to help her in a calmer manner. Me being scared when she drives is not helping her, and I do not think this is something I have as much control over because of the previous trauma. 

Listening with Patience

This week, I had the opportunity to take my daughter and two other young women to the temple for baptisms. Counting Noel, there were two 16 year-olds and one 12 year-old in the car. In the past, this could cause me issues, but it did not this time As I drove, I listened to them talk about driving experiences, their friends, school, other temple experiences, and much more. We laughed and joked and sang songs. At the time I did not think of my goal of being more patient. I just enjoyed the company of these wonderful young women. I am thankful for the opportunity I had take them and for the work I have done in being more patient so I can thoroughly enjoy their company.

I, also, had a good experience talking to my husband one night. He was feeling frustrated and depress but did not want to talk about it. I gave him another day before I went to him telling him I knew it wasn't necessarily me that was causing the issue. (I have a problem with thinking that people are always mad at me.) He told me about his problems with work. I feel like it was a good interaction where he could feel loved and listened to without me interrupting. 

He Will Answer

James 1:5 says, "If any of you lack wisdom, let him as of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him."

Most members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints recognize this verse as the verse that Joseph Smith read before going into the Sacred Grove (a grove a trees by his house) and being told by the Lord to not join any church because the gospel had not yet been fully restored to the earth. In the years to follow, he would be lead to the Gold Plates which would be translated to become The Book of Mormon. 

We can break this scripture down to more fully understand it to guide us in our lives as well. When looking at it, my first question has always been, "What does 'upbraideth' really mean?" We can guess based on the context and come up with a good idea. I looked at the footnotes which tells us that it means "reproaches or censures." Now, what does that mean? According to Merriam-Webster, censure means, "to find fault and criticize as blameworthy." Dictionary.com says that reproach means, "to find fault with..." Next, we will look at what wisdom is. Many people believe that book knowledge gives us wisdom. I disagree. It may help, but it could also hinder the acquisition of wisdom. We know that people who have wisdom are wise, so I looked up "wise" on dictionary.com which tells us that it means, "having the power of discerning and judging properly..." This does take knowledge, but it also takes experience. I see it this way. I can learn from a recipe how to bake something, but it takes experience to really make it well. This is the process of gaining wisdom in many things. The last word I wanted to look at is "liberally." There are no footnotes for this in this specific verse. My favorite definition was from Merriam-Webster.com. It says, "given or provided in a generous and openhanded way." 

The next step is to put this all together to better understand this verse that is quoted so often that many do not take the time to truly understand it. It is telling us that when we do not have the power to judge or properly discern something, we can ask God. he will generously provide answers without criticizing or finding fault in our request.  That is such a powerful message! 

There is no question too small or too big. Heavenly Father loves us so much that He wants to provide us a way back to him. When we struggle and don't understand, He will help us. In Doctrine and Covenants 88:63 we read, "...seek me diligently and ye shall find me; ask, and ye shall receive; knock and it shall be opened unto you."

I know that asking with faith is a great comfort, protection, and guidance. Even when I struggled with my testimony, I continued to pray knowing that I would be given answers. We were not put here on the earth with a "good luck." We have been given guidance through living prophets, scriptures, and personal revelation given us as we pray with faith. 

God Gives us Power, Love, and Sound Mind

 2 Timothy 1:7-8 says, "For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of sound mind. Be not thou therefore ashamed of the testimony of our Lord.." 

Since God wants us to feel power and love and have a sound mind. He also wants us to not be afraid of sharing our testimony. This lesson hit me hard. I have been afraid to share about the gospel on social media since the last election because I had gotten some contentious comments that made me shy away from sharing gospel or humor related memes. This means I was afraid to share my testimony in a way that I had felt free to share in the past. I need to move past this fear and once again be happy to share the gospel. 

I am happy to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. I am had many experiences that have helped me grow my testimony. If asked, I tell people why I feel this way. 

I know that Heavenly Father helps us love others. October 2020, President Oaks gave a talk entitled, "Love Your Enemies" in which he speaks of the animosity around the election. He tells us that we should not treat people poorly just because they have different points of view. He reminds us, "The Savior's teaching to love our enemies is based on the reality that all mortals are beloved children of God."

I learned a really good lesson about piece of mind when the world was shut down at the beginning of the pandemic. I was worried about how it would affect my oldest child because he lost his prom and thought he would lose his graduation as well. About a year prior he was also depressed, and I was worried that he would be again. I did not know how to help him. One day, I went on a walk and prayed for my boy. After I wrapped up my prayer, I kept walking to feel the calm. At this time, I could feel the Lord speaking to me. He told me to trust the process. I was not sure what that was going to look like, but I made the decision to do just that. As I listened to the recommendations and the prophet, I felt peace. Graduation did not look like what we had originally imagined, but he did graduate. I felt at peace when I decided to be vaccinated. It did not bother me when I was told to wear a mask. I got used to working from home (the thing that turned out to be a bigger blessing than I had expected). 

I know that the Lord does not want me to fear the events in going on in the world. He want me to feel love, power, and peace. 

Obey God's Will

 As I have said before, we live in a confusing, troubling time. There are wars we know about, and some we do not. We have been trying to recover from a world wide pandemic for the past two years. There are protests about things that matter to some but not to others. Priorities seem to have shifted from helping our neighbor to proving they are wrong when they do not agree with your opinions. In all of this confusion and uproar, how do we know which side to take? How do we know we are following the right advise?

As a follower of Christ, I can find these answers in the scriptures. Romans 12:2 says, "And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God." We should be asking ourselves, is what we are saying or doing in accordance to Heavenly Father's commandments? 

If we seek to prove someone wrong instead of loving them despite our differences, are we acting in accordance to God's will? What do the scriptures say? John 13:34 says, "...love one another; as I have loved you..." He does not give an exception. We are to simply love unconditionally, as Heavenly Father and Jesus do. 

We have been warned many times in the scriptures that there would be people who would lose their faith. I, personally, have seen this happen with many people in the past 10 or more years, especially since the beginning of the pandemic. Two years ago, we were suddenly cut off from people outside our immediate households for the most part. For some, we still are. For others, there has been a slow transition back to a semblance of what it was like before we were asked to stay home. Being kept from Church, we were left to find a way to teach our families from home. Thankfully, there are many resources on the Church website that could assist us. There is also other information available online. Unfortunately, some of this information lead people away from the truth "...giving heed to seducing spirits, and doctrines of devils; speaking lies in hypocrisy; having their conscience seared..." (1 Timothy 4:1-2). 

When we follow God's will, we receive blessings. We learn in 1 Timothy 4:16 that when we "...heed...unto the doctrine..." we will "...save (ourselves), and them them that hear (us)." This is a great blessing. It tells us that we will accomplish the great goal of eternal salvation. 

Faith Through Tribulation

I have been through so many hard things in my life: my parents' divorce, the loss of my mom and brother when I was in high school, facing the infidelity of a spouse and subsequent divorce, and the list can go on. There was a time when I thought I was broken and forgotten. I made some regrettable decisions, but they led me to where I am today. 

This week, I learned a lot about how following the Lord though faith can help us. Romans 8:31-32 says, "What shall we then say to these things? If God be for us, who can be against us? He that spared not his own Son, but delivered him for us all, how shall he not with him also freely five us things?" This tells us that putting our trust in God does not keep us from hardships, but it gives us protections we can not get anywhere else. He did not save Christ from being betrayed by Judas, being whipped, having a crown of thorns placed on His head, and being crucified even though this was His only begotten Son. This was allowed to happen because of its purpose. If God would allow this horrible thing to happen to Jesus because of the future implication, why would He not do the same for us. 

In 2009, my husband at the time gave me a blessing that I would know of his love and devotion to me. Then, he left to meet up with a girl with whom he was cheating. I spent the majority of the rest of the night finding evidence of this betrayal on his computer. For years I did not understand why this was allowed to happen. As we were studying the New Testament in Sunday School, and I was studying the Old Testament I had a realization. My now ex-husband was able to give me this blessing not because of his worthiness; it was because of mine. Since I had the faith to ask for the blessing, I was given the real answers. The knowledge that he was not as dedicated to our family as he claimed. This lesson too longer than I would like to admit to figure out, but it is not a lesson I will forget. 

Why was I allowed to go though this trial? I believe it was because of the lessons I learned from this. I have become a better person and hope to be able to help others with this knowledge as well. 

I do not know why I have gone through other things in my life, but I have faith that I will learn at some point. I have faith that there will be blessings waiting for me in the next life. In 2 Corinthians 4: 17-18, we are told that our afflictions are "but for a moment," and we learn that we may not see the blessing of going through these trails with faith in this life. We may have to wait for the eternal blessings earned from these acts of faith. That does not mean that we are here just to suffer and wait for the rewards. In 2 Nephi 2:25, it says, "...men are, that they might have joy."

Who Do We Trust?

We have so many uncertainties in the world today and so many messages that can make the world even more confusing. There are men and women that people look up to who have a lot of education or life experience. The problem is that their words do not always bring us peace or understanding. The best way to feel peace is to trust God and His messengers. 

1 Corinthians 2:10 says, "...your faith should not stand in the wisdom of men, but in the power of God." This tells us that when there is any question as to who we should be listening to when we are uncertain, we should follow the advise that aligns with the teaching of our Heavenly Father. 

There are many issues where this applies. One issue that gets brought up a lot is the idea of what makes a family. This was addressed September 23, 1995 in The Family: A Proclamation to the World. It tells us that "marriage between a man and woman is ordained of God." It also tells us the roles of the husband and wife and the consequences when chastity is violated or in cases of abuse. There are many who believe that this is outdated. People will stand up for abuse victims, but they will defend the right of those who choose infidelity. We cannot get these messages confused. Infidelity hurts a family, too. It is not a physical hurt, it is an emotional one. 

You may say that this is not a difficult issue to understand, but there are many others that are not as black and white. There are other resources that can answer those questions as well. For example, many research study in the past few years have come out saying that a glass of wine a day is healthy. Does that me we can indulge in a glass of wine day? We can check the scriptures for the answer to that. Doctrine and covenants 89:4-5 tells us, "...In consequence of evils and designs which do and will exist in the hearts of conspiring men in the last days, I have warned you, and forwarn you, by giving you this word of wisdom by revelation - That inasmuch as nay man drinketh wine or strong drink among you, behold it is not good..." 

It does not matter how long ago these revelations were received. If the "wisdom" of the world is contrary to what the Lord has told us, we should not follow it.