Feeling God's Love

Last night, I was able to sit back and read for a while. (Time that is hard to find most days.) My book of choice lately has been Matthew Perry's Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing. In the interlude after chapter 6, he describes a moment after praying in which he felt encompassed with the love of God. This experience helped him stay sober for 2 years and has helped him in times since according to the book. 

I loved reading this. I feel that people do not talk about their spiritual experiences often enough. If we talked about it more, it could help others feel God’s love. We don’t have to be encircled with light as Matthew Perry describes. It can be something as simple as a friend checking on us when there was no way they could have know we were struggling or the wonderful feeling we get as we walk though nature. 

Elder Michael T. Ringwood said, “…Heavenly Father has a personal plan of happiness for each of us. Because God sent His Beloved Son for us, the miracles we need will ‘[fall] on [the very] day’ necessary for His plan to be fulfilled.”

Blue Skies

Today is a beautiful day! After work, Sophie and I went for a walk in perfect weather. The sun was out, and the temperature was just right. I love that have a work schedule that allows me to enjoy an afternoon like this!

That Last Sock

The problem with knitting a bunch of socks is that eventually you are tired of knitting them and need a change. This inevitably happens half way through the last sock of a pair. 

Over the past 4 or 5 months I have knit 3 pair of socks for me and 2 pair for Noel. I had fun making most of them. (Noel’s gray pair were a bit plain and boring.) I have also knit one and a half socks for a pair that I really want. The problem is that I have so many other things that I want to knit or crochet that I am struggling to make this last sock. 

I know I will finish this sock. I will hopefully finish it this week. It is just hard to make myself do it when I am ready to move on. 

Embracing My Heritage

When I was growing up, my dad would wear a bright orange (think traffic cone) zipper hoodie every St. Patrick's Day. He would insist that this was the right color because our family was "Orange Irish." The only thing that I understood about this was that there was some kind of dispute between them and the "Green Irish," but I did not really understand because I didn't really care to know for some reason. I was just embarrassed that my dad would wear that jacket and refuse to wear green. 

About 20 years later, I had a friend at church that embraced his Irish heritage and was wearing a tie that reflected that around St. Patrick's Day. Once, he asked me why I wasn't wearing green, and all I could say was that my dad had taught me that I was "Orange Irish," so the green didn't matter as much. His response was that I must have Irish heritage if I even knew about that because most people haven't delved into history enough to even mention it. I miss that friend. He was a great man. His wife if one of my best friends, and I know she would love me to do something because of my memories of him. 

Last weekend, I asked my dad what being a proud "Orange Irish" meant. He explained the religious persecution our ancestors endured which lead them to Scotland then to America. There is a proud religious heritage in my family that I want to represent. 

Tonight, I did a search on Amazon for an "Orange Irish" shirt. I was shocked that there were several to choose from. I ordered an orange t-shirt with a shamrock that has both the Irish and Scottish flag in it. It should be delivered Thursday, and I will proudly wear it to represent my family and the hardships they endured.  

Ready to be Done

I so badly want to be done with school at this point. Between my associates degree and working on my bachelors degree, I have been in school since 2009 for the most part. The last year has been intense, too. I know the classes should be getting harder, but I am getting burnt out. There was a time I thought I would get a masters as well, but I can’t see myself doing that now. Instead, I am going to put effort into finishing my degree and finding a job in which I can use my experience in accounting and my education in marriage and family studies. Only 3 semesters after this one including my internship. I can do this. I didn’t get this far to only get this far.

Secrets Revealed

Every so often, my dad tells me things about my mom that were previously kept secret from my sister and me. For example, I did not know her mental health diagnosis until about 10 years ago. I only knew she was in an out of the hospital. I think he keeps things from me to try to protect me in a way. The thing is that I think it would have been easier to have known because I have done a lot of work to help me live with the complicated relationship I had with my mom as well as the feelings I have faced because of her sudden death.

While visiting my dad this last weekend, we had some intense conversations. One of these conversations was about the accident that killed my mom and brother. I was told after it happened that they were both asleep when it happened and had died on impact. I was under the impression that the car hit the guardrail head on essentially impaling my mom and sending Anthony out the rear window. I learned that this was not what happened. My dad apparently ordered a copy of and read the accident report. 

The first thing I learned was that the car hit the guardrail on the side at about the passenger door, where my mom was sitting, which is probably how she was injured. The problem is that she did not die instantly. She bled out. I used to have nightmares of Anthony lying in a ditch crying for someone to find him. As it turns out, there is a possibility that my mom was in pain as she died (something she often said she was scared would happen). 

The other thing that I learned was that there was a possibility that Anthony woke up and saw that the car was going off of the road and tried to recover it. My dad believes this because the accident report indicated that the car spun out. If the car spun out, he could not have been ejected the way he was. 

I have been trying to process this information for the last five days. Each day has been more difficult. I have been able stay busy each evening so far this week. It helps a bit, but I need to find a way to come to terms with the idea that they may have both suffered before they died. 

Temple with the Youth

Tonight, the youth got to go to the temple for baptisms. I am one of the lucky ones that gets to be both mom and leader. I love taking Noel on these trips when she is able to go. It is an added bonus to take one of the girls I serve. There is just something about these girls. 

Last Day/ Going Home

Today was a pretty good day. This morning, my sweet daughter called me around 7am and talked to me for about an hour. I love hearing from her when we are apart. It was a great way to start my day. After every one was awake, we went to the bookstore for Sean to get a few more books because he finished all three that we bought for the trip. Then, we went to a yarn store in downtown Provo called Heindselmam’s Knit and Gift Shop. It was such a great shop, and the people were really friendly. Sean even got to pet a puppy. After that, my dad let Sean choose where to go for lunch, and he chose In-n-Out Burger. After lunch, we made sure we were fully packed and visited with my parents for a bit longer before saying goodbye to Bev and having my dad take us to the airport. 

Good news: we had no problems with out flight. It took longer for the passengers from the previous flight to get off the plane that it probably should have, but the boarding process was not too bad for us. We took off only about 20 minutes late and landed right on time. Sean enjoyed the flight this time. With it mostly going as planned, he was able to relax and take it all in. I got him a window seat, so he leaned his head on the window and watched out it the whole way. He described the engine to me before we took off and pointed out how little we could see through the clouds as we landed. It took some of the stress off of me, and I enjoyed his excitement. (I know he is 19 and not little, but I can’t ever see myself not enjoying my children.)

I like visiting my parents, and it is always good to be home. The only things I would change from my trip would be to have caught an earlier flight that was less likely to be delayed (not that I could have predicted that), and I would have liked to have a car so I could get out of the house when everyone was sleeping. 

Day 2 in Provo

Today was pretty good. I spent a lot of the morning in Bev’s room talking to her and doing a puzzle. Then, my dad came home from work with some groceries, we had lunch, and we went our separate ways for a bit: Dad went back to work; Sean went downstairs to read; Bev took a nap; and I sat in the kitchen doing homework. 

Carrie and her younger girls came over around four, and we got to bust with them are a little while which was really nice since I haven’t seen them since we came out her in 2019. We were able to catch up a bit and are hoping she feels well enough to stop by next time she is supposed to be driving through Colorado. 

After a bit more visiting with my dad, he made one of Sean’s favorite dinners (spaghetti). While we ate and talked some more. 

Around 8pm, my best friend came and picked me up so we could see each other while I’m here. We went to Chili’s. She had dinner, and I had an appetizer and dessert. We caught up with each other for a few hours before she brought me back. 

After saying my good nights, I went to the guest room to wind down and go to sleep. 

I have really enjoyed my trip so far. It has been nice to see everyone. There are more that I wish I had time to see, but it is a short trip, and I don’t have a car here. 

Day 1 in Provo

By the time our plane landed, we got off the plane and walked across the airport to find my dad, and he drove us to his house through a snowstorm, it was 5:00am. We were told which rooms were made up for us and went to bed. 

I set an alarm for 7:30 to make sure I would be ready for church on time, and it worked. Even though I had just over 2 hours of sleep, I was shower, dressed and ready to go on time. Of course, it is helpful the the church is basically around the corner. I enjoyed church for the most part. It is hard to be in a different ward, but it is good to hear the insights of others. 

Once we got back to the house, my parents took a nap and I talked to Chad. He had had a long night waiting for updates to make sure we arrived safe and was awaken by the dogs bright and early. I paced the house, looked at books on the shelves, and checked on Sean as I talked. It was nice to talk to him, and I got to have a conversation with both him and Noel as he picked her up from her dad’s. When they were home, we hung up and I went to bed for a longer nap. 

Once we were all awake, I had Sean come upstairs so we could all hang out, talk, and eat. Sean went back downstairs when the conversation got too intense as Dad and I talked about Anthony’ and Mom’s death. We continued talking until Bev needed help. Then she had me go get Sean again because she worried that he was being neglected (he wasn’t, but she is Grandma). 

Now we are fed and headed back to bed for the night. Tomorrow, we will be doing a bit more. Carrie and the girls will be coming over. Then, I will be headed out with my best friend that evening. My dad says he needed to go into the office for at least half of the day. As to not overwhelm Bev, Sean and I will probably walk over to the grocery store to get Sean some frozen pizza (he is the pickiest eater I have ever met, and Grandma is worried that he is t eating enough). I’m excited to see people I love tomorrow! 

Delayed Flight

As of 11:33 pm, Sean and I are sitting at DIA waiting to fly out to Salt Lake to visit my dad and stepmom. We booked a flight that originally supposed to depart at 11:22pm, but it has been delayed several times and is now set to depart at 1:02 am. Sean was quite nervous about this trip to begin with because it is a new experience and there are more people around than he is comfortable with. With each delay he has become more disenchanted with this trip. He has even said that he wished we went on the train because at least we were going somewhere. I kind of have to agree at this point. We arrived early to pay for my carryon and have our seats changed to assure we are sitting together. At this point we have been here over three hours and will be waiting at least another hour and a half (unless there is another delay). 

Update: It is now 2:55am, and we are finally in Salt Lake. It has been a VERY long night!

Her Birthday

 

Today is my mom's 70th birthday. It is hard to think of her being that old. Her age has been frozen in time. She was 43 when she passed away. I believe that she would have continued working on her mental health issues and continued to heal. She would have continued building her faith as she helped others learn about the goodness of the gospel of Jesus Christ. She would have been a wonderful grandma. She would have been as involved as possible as I learned to care for my babies. 

My mom was a wonderful person who loved deeply. She was not a perfect person, but she was and is my mom. I love her. I am thankful for the knowledge that the family bonds can last beyond this life. I long for the day when I can once again feel her arms around me. I hope I lived my life in a way that makes her proud to say I am her daughter. 

Recycling Motivation

We have talked about joining Waste Management’s recycling program since they took over the trash collection contract for our town. I just never got around to calling them to have a cart delivered to our house. A little over a month ago, it was brought up again. Then, we got notified that the town would be switching to Republic Services as of March. The flyer said that we would be getting the same carts from them that would be collected. It also said that if we wanted more or less than we had, we would need to wait until after March 1. To our surprise, we had a recycle bin delivered as well as a trash bin.

Now, we have mo excuse. All of those Amazon boxes and   soda boxes can now be sent for recycling. We even bought a bin to put next to out trash can inside and to the kids to rinse out cans and glass bottles. So far, it seems to be a natural transition. It’s even making me want to get back to get back to composting. 

Technology Curse

My husband loves technology. I like it when it is useful. There are somethings he understands better than me and vice versa. For example, through my job and my schooling, I have learned a lot about spreadsheets that he doesn't understand, and he knows more about why cell phones work because he likes to learn about that kind of thing. Between the two of us, we have a fairly good base knowledge. 

November 2019, we had to get a new furnace because the other one broke down and was leaking stuff that made it dangerous and more expensive to repair. When we did so, they gave us a Nest thermostat that can be controlled through an app on the phone, on the Alexa device, and on the wall. A few days ago, all of these forms of control failed. Chad went into the hall to see if it was just not connecting to the Wi-Fi, but it was completely not working. The only thing he could do was reset it and the apps. After about an hour of him yelling at the thing, he got it working better than it was before it bonked. Now, it is on a weird schedule and will only stay at the temperature I want it during the day for about a half hour because the default schedule believes we are not home during certain hours. It is not hard to fix, but it can get a bit tedious on cooler days. (I may need to just put the app on my phone as well.) Even though it can be frustrating, it is still not as frustrating as it was to have to live in a cold house with only space heaters for a week or two for the furnace to be installed. 

I love that we can have technology that allows us to control things with our voice. When it is working properly, it is a lot more covenant. (I know my bedroom/office is down the hall, but I have had a lot of work to keep up on lately.) The problem is that if that main component does not work, we can have a big problem on our hands if not fixed in a timely manner. Chad would love to have more smart devices in our home. I am just not sure I want to be held hostage by the house if something were to malfunction. 

Short Naps

The dogs and I have a routine that seems to work for us. When I take my lunch break, I set a timer, lie down in bed, read a few pages in my book (still working on Matthew Perry's book), and go to sleep. I take a 30 minute break. About 20 minutes of that is sleep. It is just enough to help me through the rest of my work day. 

The dogs seem to like this as much as I do. When I tell them it's naptime, they climb on the bed and cuddle up to me. That's right, three dogs cuddled up around my legs and against my back (I sleep on my side). When the timer goes off, I get out of bed as they look at me as if I just did something horrible by sitting at my desk next to the bed instead of being in the bed. 

There are times when I need a regular nap when I get off work because I get up so early. The dogs don't seem to be as excited when that happens, but that could just be because it is usually just me falling asleep doing homework or watching TV. Most of the time, I will wake up from those naps with one or two dogs curled up next to me. 

Those Temple Feelings

 I am finally at a point in my life when I can leave my kids for a few hours without feeling guilty. That means I can go to the temple more often. I love the peace I feel when I’m there. It calms my heart and soul. 

Tonight, Chad and I went together. It started out a bit frantic. We forgot the name cards for the ancestors we were going to do work for on the table. Then, I felt like I was dropping my keys and wallet while I getting out my recommend as we walked in the temple. Then, as I settled into the chapel, there were a few ladies talking and going in and out as they tried to turn on the organ music just to have one more come in and flip on a switch to turn it on. I sat there a bit frustrated, hoping it would get better. I said a silent prayer to feel the Spirit as I participated in the session and started reading in the scriptures as I felt directed to do so. My mood changed immediately. 

As I participated in the session, I felt amazing! I kept thinking about when I could go back, how often I could attend, and trying to figure out if I could fit being a temple worker in my schedule. I left feeling refreshed and renewed. I decided that I am going to make an appointment with the bishop after my trip to find out if I would be able to work at the temple in some capacity. Between the wonderful feeling I felt tonight and the draw I have been feeling towards family history, I feel like I need to spend as much time as possible in the temple. 

Almost Missed Them

We keep thinking about buying Girl Scout cookies, but we weren’t sure who was selling them this year. The girl we bought them from the last few years had a family crisis, so there was very little information about whether or not she was selling them this year. (I totally understand. I just didn’t know who else had Girl Scouts, and I try to support my friends’ kids when I can.) Finally, Noel and I ran into a cookie booth as we were leaving ARC. We were happily surprised that it was someone we knew. I bought two boxes of Tagalongs, two boxes of Thin Mints, and one box of S'mores. I knew as I got into the car that I was missing Samoas but figured that I had more than enough to make people happy. I was wrong.

Chad was sad about the lack of Samoas. I pointed out that he could search out a cookie booth and buy some. I fairly certain he would have if our friend had not posted her daughter's digital cookie site. He jumped on the chance to get his Samoas without leaving the house with the added bonus of our friends that have been going through so much. I hope she is able to get closer to her goal by the time they are done selling. 

So Tired

I have learned through the years that if I have a headache, I am either very tired, dehydrated, or both. Most of the time, I’m tired. Today was one of those days. 

I woke up with a headache that would not go away with ibuprofen or a considerable amount of water. Since I have responsibilities at church, I went with a slightly dulled headache from my efforts. It was not great, but I feel that I made the right choice. 

Once I was home, I took some Aleve, ate a sandwich, and went to bed for a couple of hours. I woke up feeling much better and able to go to a training meeting for my calling. 

Hopefully, I will sleep better this week. I don’t know why I have been struggling with it so much lately. 

Mammoth Tradition

Chad and his brother, Jeremy, have been going to Mammoth games since before I met them. Jeremy buys season tickets for the two of them. Ever since the first year we were married, they have taken the kids and I at least once a year as well. We love and look forward to this tradition! Sean struggles with large crowds and a lot of noises, but he will endure it for this game; Eric now brings Peyton along; and Noel asked about going at the beginning of the season. They sometimes say we don’t have traditions (which really isn’t true), but I know they like this one. I am so thankful for Jeremy’s generosity! 

Introverted Problems

I am an introvert, for the most part. I have been for as long as I can remember. In my preschool report card (I do still have it), I was marked down because I would rather play in a group of two or three rather than with the class. I am still this way in many ways. I also dread meeting new people. What if they don't like me? What if they think I'm weird? What if I am just not good enough to hang out with them? Some of these what ifs keep me from meeting new people that I later find out I would have really gotten along with, and sometimes they keep me from getting to know people I have already met better. I like to be included in things but fear the actual mingling part of it. 

This semester I have a class that really stretches my comfort level. I have an assignment in which I am supposed to go to a service club, such as Lions Club or the like, meeting. I could not find one in my area and got permission to go to a town hall meeting (thank goodness). Another assignment has me doing eight hours of service. I have known about this one for many weeks. I now have three weeks to complete it, and I get scared each time I think of reaching out to a local shelter or the victims advocacy group to find out if there is something I can do. At this point, I am hoping I can count making preemie hats for babies. The next assignment that has me shaking is one in which I need to interview two people who run nonprofit organizations. I have already texted my amazing cousin who founded and runs Foster Love which provides a "shopping" experience for foster kids at no cost to them or the families. I need to find another nonprofit that gives service to families or children in the next few weeks and set up a specific time to talk to Amber. (That is really hard for me.) Sometimes I wonder why I was lead to this major. I am sure I will be shown the why, but that won't happen if I let my fears get to me. 

I do not hate people. I love people. I love collecting their stories. Unfortunately, I live under the assumption that people do not like me or wouldn't like me if they got to know me.  

Strawberry Cream Dr. Pepper

We get Dr. Pepper every week for the household. Usually, we get cream soda and cherry Dr. Pepper but today we got strawberry cream and cream soda. I wanted to try this new flavor and was trusting it well enough to not get my regular flavor. The good news is that it is actually good. I would definitely drink it again. 

Food Problems

Chad regularly goes grocery shopping on Monday while I am working. This week, that could not happen because we have to wait until tomorrow when I get paid. That does not mean we have no food in the house. However, it does mean that a lot of the food we normally eat is fine, and we have had to get a bit creative. Last night, Chad made chicken nuggets from scratch. They were pretty good, but they were a bit dryer than I would have liked. He said next time he will try a different recipe. Tonight, we had hamburgers. Since we usually only cook 6 of the 8 burgers from the package, we had several packages with two patties in each. We had two left over buns from last week and a few sandwich thins that served the purpose well. The cheese was a bigger issue. The only cheese we had was string cheese. We each took a stick and manipulated it to fit on the burger the way we wanted. They weren’t as good as usual, but the weren’t bad either. 

Tomorrow, the kids and I will have a “gas station breakfast” like we did when they were younger. Then, I will go grocery shopping when I get off work. I can’t wait to have my regular foods again!

Chore Wheel

Last month, as a family we agreed on chores that we would take turns doing on a daily basis. We decided who who start with what chore and agreed to rotate them each week. We did it the first four weeks without a reminder of who was doing what. We probably could continue to do so, but that depends on how well I remember the rotation. Since I had to write N or S on the calendar to remind them who is supposed to take care of the dogs each week, I made this wheel to help us with this simple chore rotation. As I was making it, I let everyone choose a sticker to represent them from my box of stickers. I am quite happy with how it turned out. 

This Girl

 What happens when I leave my phone unattended around Noel? You would think I would've learned not to so such things by now. 

Overwhelmed

 I am overwhelmed quite often lately. My classes this semester are the hardest classes I have ever taken. (That makes sense because I have never taken 400-level classes until now.) Of course, this means that I do not have as much time for my husband or children as I have had in past semesters. I still try to give them as much attention as I can, but it is not always possible. What does this mean? I get guilt trips (mostly from Chad) about how I do not spend enough time with them, I feel pulled in many directions from day to day, and I don't really have much time for myself. 

I want to be able to feel like I have time to make real dinners like I used to, but that is not always possible. I guess if I started early in the day, I could do it. Who wants to start making dinner that early though knowing that it may be ready before Chad gets home from work or after whatever time sensitive thing is happening that day (church activities, Noel being picked up by her dad, Chad going to a lacrosse game, etc.). My days for cooking are Wednesday, Friday, and Saturday. I could cook a real dinner on Saturdays, but Sean would probably not eat it which would leave only Chad and I to eat all of that food. I just feel like it would be a waste without Noel. I don't always want to really cook, but I wish I could when I was in the mood. 

I want to be able to go out with friends without a guilt trip. I have plans on Monday with a friend that I don't get the chance to meet up with as often as I would like because of our schedules. I have been guilted by everyone about "abandoning" them. I literally have to take the day off of work to hang out with this friend. I work from home. I am here with them every day. Why can't I just have this one day this month to leave the house alone? 

I want to be able to visit my dad more often. Really, this is not on anyone. We just simply don't have the money for me to go out there very often. Thankfully, I am able to go more than I could in the past, and I am excited that I can go in a few weeks.  Maybe when I am done with school and no longer paying out of pocket for tuition, I could go more often. (One more reason to work hard and finish this degree.) Maybe I won't feel so much like I am letting my daughter down by leaving her behind after she is 18 and has a bit more say about what she does on the weekend, and I no longer have to ask permission to take her out of state. Really, she will be 18 later this year, and I will be done with school next year (hopefully). (Happy thoughts...)

I really want to be able to take a warm bath. No one is stopping me. I have done it a few times in the last couple of months. I am actually encouraged by Noel and Chad to do it more often. (It must be obvious that I need some time for self-care.)

I guess, I should concentrate on what I can do right now with what I have. I can take a warm back as I read a book. (I am currently reading Friends, Lovers, and the Big Terrible Thing by Matthew Perry.) It's not a bad place to start. 

Feeling Cheated

I was in TikToc today just watching stuff on my For You page when three times in a row I saw posts for an open verse challenge from Dean Lewis for his song How Do I Say Goodbye . Each person poured out their heart as they presented a verse that beautifully illiterates how it felt to be in the hospital as a parent dies in the hospital. I could feel their anguish. The problem is that I felt a bit jealous at the same time. 

I didn’t get the chance to really say goodbye to my mom and brother. I did say goodbye when my mom stopped by to let me know they were headed out of town a bit earlier than they had planned, but there was an expectation that they would come back. I lost the person “who gave me my name and the color of my eyes” suddenly. There was no warning. 

I love this song! It really captures how it feels to lose a parent. In some ways it takes a bit of the sting away. (Yes. It still hurts sometimes.) It gives a bit of a sense of normalcy knowing that my feelings have been valid. 

Going to Utah

My dad's back yard

I am going to Utah next month with Sean. I bought the tickets and sent the itinerary to my dad to make sure he knows when I we need to be picked up and when we need to be back to the airport a few days later. I am really excited! I can't wait to get away for a little while. I am stuck in my house way too much, and I think it is affecting my mind again. I need a change even if it is only for a few days.

I know some people would ask why I am taking only Sean. Well, that answer is simple. He is the only one that can just leave without having to make arrangements or getting permission to do so. We will be leaving March 4 (a Saturday). Chad works Saturdays, and Noel has to be at her dad's house that weekend. I looked for tickets at a time I could take Noel, but they are about twice as much for the week of spring break as they are a the beginning of the month. Sean no longer goes to his dad's house and doesn't have a job and also wants to get out of the house. 

I don't have to take anyone with me. I went alone last time. I thought it would be nice to take at least one of the kids with me this time. I am only going to visit with my parents and see my best friend which makes this a perfect time to take someone with me. Sean needs some one on one time. He rarely gets it anymore now that he is done with high school and the clubs he was involved in. He used to get that with me when I picked him up.  (Noel gets one on one time when I pick her up from her dad's most Sundays.) 

I am excited for this trip. It will be a great mental reset, and I get to see my dad and my  best friend. 

Knitting Updates

I have finished three projects since I shared any pictures. First, I finished the gnome mittens. They left me with the desire to do more color work, but I would like to do it with bigger needles and heavier yarn. Next time, it will be a hat. Then, I finished another pair of socks for me. I’m still loving socks. They are great for keeping my hands busy when I need to be paying attention to something else. Most recently (as in today), I finished socks for Noel. I love that I can use the same pattern for both of us by just adjusting the length a bit. I still have a shawl in progress that has a knitted on, Celtic cable boarder. It will be a while before it is finished. The boarder is time consuming and requires a bit more attention. 

 What’s next? I have yarn for another pair of socks for me, and I am trying to muster up the will to make socks for Chad and Sean. (Their feet are bigger.) I have considered making Eric and Peyton socks as well, but I have yet to ask how long they need them to be. I, also, was given a unicorn crochet book for Valentines Day that I will be working out of. There are some cute stuffed unicorns, bookmarks, blankets, and more. Crochet is not my favorite, but I will do it for the right pattern. (The book was something I asked for, so it has the right patterns.)

My gnome mittens drying on a towel.

My socks

Noel’s socks

Today’s Workout

I went to the gym today alone, and I LOVED it. I usually go with Chad and try to find enough to do while he runs and rows. Today, I was able to dictate how much time I was there which made it feel more natural and didn’t leave me wondering what to do for an extra 15 to 30 minutes. I walked on the treadmill at a 3 for 15 minutes then went to the weights to work on my arms for another 15 minutes. It felt great! I left with more energy than I have had for a long time. It was the perfect length of time. I can’t wait until I go back Friday!

Testing Woes

My school has started using Proctorio to proctor exams to try to prevent cheating. I have had classes that use it off and on for a couple of years and never had a problem until last night. I had an exam for my Family Theories and Dynamics class that was due by 11:59pm. I started taking it around 9pm. (Have I mentioned that I am a professional procrastinator?) I got through question 10, and the dog bumped my laptop which caused my camera to go out. This triggered a chat with the Proctorio people. They decided that it would be best to refresh the page and have me go back in, so they kicked me out and refreshed the page. When I tied to get back in, I couldn't. The exam was set for only one attempt. I had to send my teacher an email to explain what had happened. Luckily, she agreed to reset the exam so I can take it and gave me through Monday. I hope I can have the same momentum I had at the time I got kicked out as I do the test on my desk where the webcam can't be bumped by a dog. 

Our Month

February is really our month. Our anniversary is the 1st; Chad's birthday is the 9th; Valentine's Day is the 14th (I guess that one is for everyone). Last night, we went to a Valentine dance at the church. When it started, I was convinced that I was not going to like it because the main friend that I hang out with at church parties is out of town, and I didn't know who we would socialize with this time. Eventually, I found other friends for us to talk to, and the music got better for us to dance. Tonight, we went out to eat for our Valentine date. It was our second time going to Ted's Montana Grill. It changed since last time we went, but the food was still really good, and Chad was able to have a bison burger. I love that we have a month to celebrate us. At the same time, I am glad that is is mostly done. I need some me time. 

Heed Not

This morning, I listened to Elder David A. Bednar’s talk, “But We Headed Them Not.”  I really needed this message this morning. It’s not that I feel particularly picked on right now. I just feel like I needed a reminder to fortify myself so that when things happen, I can have a firmer foundation of truth. 

In this talk, Elder Bednar talks about the song Let Us All Press On. I l loved this hymn growing up and still have fond memories of learning it in primary and listening to my dad sing it sitting next to me in Sacrament Meeting. I never really thought about the meaning of the words, though. 

“…We will heed not what the wicked may say.” How do we “heed not?” We keep our covenants and “hold fast” to the word of the Lord. By doing this, we can fortify ourselves against those who will try to destroy our testimonies and pull us away from what is really important. 

I love this talk! I love that the Church has given us the resources we need to draw closer to Jesus Christ and learn from Him. 

He's 49

 

Happy birthday to the man who has taught me how it feels to really be loved! He came into my life when I needed him the most. I needed someone who respected me. I needed someone who wanted me to just be myself. I needed someone who would encourage me to better myself. I am lucky to be the girl who gets to call him my husband! 

Sock Saga

A few weeks ago, I ordered some new sock yarn that I was very excited about. As I finished the socks on my needles, I pictured the purple based stripe socks I would be working on next. The time finally came, and I opened the package to find a blue based striped yarn. I was so disappointed but started the socks anyway because it was the yarn I had. The more I knitted, the more disappointed I was with the yarn. I even put them to the side and worked on other projects last week because I didn’t want these socks. Finally, I decided I needed to find someone who would love them. When I told Noel my plan, she said she liked them. That was such good news. I didn’t even have to measure her foot because I made her some socks last month. For the rest of the day, I happily worked that first sock and started the next one. Now, I can’t wait to finish them because I love the look in her face when she is gown something. 

Running Update

 

A beautiful picture taken a the end of my run. 

I am happy to say that my running is getting to be more consistent. I really like that the Galloway RunWalkRun method is so customizable. I am currently running 30 seconds and walking 30 seconds. I am sure I will be able to raise the amount of run time as my body gets used to it again. 

Right now, I am getting ready to do the virtual Wonder Woman 5K that I planned to run around Thanksgiving. I had to stop my training in the fall because of an Achilles tendon injury. I was able to do a 5K with Chad in December (the Colder Boulder), but I had basically lost my mojo by then and have struggled to really get going since. Thankfully, it is slowly coming back and the snow melts. I know I can go to the gym and run on the treadmill, but it is not the same. I know I need to be more serious about it as we get closer to the races that I enjoy doing like the Bolder Boulder. 

So far this year, I plan to do the Bolder Boulder in May, a half marathon on Labor Day, and the Colder Boulder in December. I am sure Chad and I will find a few 5Ks to sprinkle in through the year, but we don't have anything planned yet. Right now, I am just going to concentrate on my love for running again rather than trying to do too many races. 

3 Days Away

I know my husband’s birthday. We have celebrated it every year. I try to make him feel special when it comes around. Today, I realized that day is only 3 days away. (How is it already February 6?) Realizing how close Chad’s birthday is, I hopped on Amazon and ordered him some presents. The kids were asleep, so I just let them know what we got him later. As they looked through what I ordered, they both said I am spoiling him. I’m ok with that. I spoil Sean and Noel a lot. It is Chad’s turn. He will get his gifts on his birthday, and I will make him a special dinner Sunday when I don’t have to worry about if he will get home from work in time to gave a warm dinner. One of these days I will be put together enough to get gifts at least a week in advance and the dinner will be nicer than my current budget allows. 

Geese

Noel drove home from her dad's house today (like she does most Sundays). As she drove down the neighborhood streets, we had to wait for a few minutes for something we don't come across very often...a gaggle of geese. 

Anniversary Tradition

 

After we were married, we learned that some friends of ours had a really fun tradition of going to a restaurant they had never been to together for their anniversary each year. This sounded like so much fun that we adopted it as our own. There have been times that we had to do things like go to a pho place that we hadn’t been to because that was all we could afford. Thankfully, that is no longer the case. 

Tonight, we went to a place called Shells and Sauce in Denver. It was a quirky Italian restaurant that we both enjoyed. I had stuffed shells with scrimp. The shells cooked perfectly, and the shrimp was firm and full of flavor. I would highly recommend this restaurant to anyone. Just make sure you have a reservation. It is a busy place!

The More I Learn

After telling a friend about my faith journey, I was told about the Come Back Podcast. In this podcast, a lady who left the Church in the past and came back after fighting some serious demons interviews others who left and came back for various reasons. I have watched at least one episode a day for several days. There are people who left because they felt their studies showed things contrary to what they had been taught through their lives, people who got involved in drugs and alcohol, a guy who had joined a gang, and more. Each person has their own personal story of coming back, but the common thread is that came back because it is true and it makes the most sense. 

I have my own "come back" story. There was a time when I was making decisions that I came to regret. There was a time that I told myself I was only going to church because it was good for my kids. There was a time that I could never see myself going back to the temple, reading (listing to) scriptures daily, or holding a calling. The thing is that I never lost my testimony of prayer, but I had lost my testimony in other ways. I just couldn't see why I needed to be different from other people. I couldn't see how it would benefit me. After all, I had tried "doing everything right." I ended up with a dead mom and brother, divorced, and barely able to pay my bills. This was not the life I thought I would have. It was not the life I felt I had been promised. What changed?

I had to come to the realization that my faith and actions do not always determine my wealth (or lack thereof), the life expectancy of my friends and family, or how other people treat my children, my husband, or myself. I do not get to choose how my life is blessed or the trials I face. What I can determine is how I see the world, my testimony of Jesus Christ, and how I serve others. 

The reality is that the more I learn both secularly and spiritually, the more I believe in the teachings of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I know there are not explanations for everything within the gospel. I also know there not everything can be explained by science or other academic ways. Each science and social science class that I have taken has helped my testimony grow. I know that there are many things science can not explain which takes me to the conclusion that there is a God that knows all who created the earth and everything in it. 

I will not debate with someone who is only looking to put me down or argue, but I will have a conversation about my beliefs with anyone who is willing to do so in a respectful way. I have done so many times and will continue to do so. The more I learn, the more I want to share. 

Slowly Creeping Down

As I said earlier this week, I have been participating in a weight loss program through my health insurance. What I have not said is that after quitting karate last year I gained weight fast and was at my heaviest near the end of last year. I hating the way my body felt and cringed when I saw pot of myself (I don’t see that part changing anytime soon). I am happy to say that my weight has been slowly dropping since I started doing this. Begging accountable to a coach once a week in a group makes me want to do better. The food is good, and it is easy to follow. I don’t even have to eat exactly what they lay out in the plan. I just do my best to stay under 1700 calories a day. I’m not perfect, but I have done it enough to make a difference. 

11 Years

It is hard to believe that I have been married to this man for 11 years! He healed me in more ways than I thought possible. He taught me that it is ok for me to just be me. I fall more in love with him everyday. 

Soda Stream

 This is my newest obsession! Chad got me a Soda Stream for Christmas, and I have used it every day since. I of course love the Diet Dr. Pete (Dr. Pepper). I also really like the lemon aid and diet root beer. The only flavor I don’t like so far is the diet cola. 

Back to the Gym

 

I finally went back to the gym today. I keep saying that I’ll go and change my mind at the last minute. Today, Chad encouraged me to go with him. I almost canceled on him because I didn’t want to go out in the cold (it was 5 degrees outside). I’m glad I didn’t let the cold keep me from going, though. It felt good to get on the treadmill and run then do a bit of weight lifting. I hope to talk myself into to going more often. 

The Food

 

I joined a weight loss plan through my insurance. It has been a great way to make small weekly goals that help me work towards my larger goal. I understand that creating small habits will help me get where I want to be if I concentrate on those habits rather than the end goal. 

One of the things this program came with was a booklet with meal plan ideas as well as recipes. So far everything I have tried has been really good and filling. I made substitutions when I feel the need, but I make sure that those substitutions will not derail me. 

Today for lunch I had one of the suggested meals with a substitution. The suggestion was a whole wheat pita with romaine, tomato slices, Canadian bacon, and an egg. I cooked my egg different, and I had a sandwich thin instead of pita bread. That actually saved me about 20 calories. This sandwich was really good! I can't wait to try more meals!

Time With My Girl

Noel has spent most of the month working hard in her schoolwork. I promised her that if she kept up on her classes, I would take her to a movie the last weekend each month.

 Today, we saw Missing. It was a great movie! It was done completely through social media, phone calls, security cameras, and a computer screen. I thought it would be distracting, but it gave it a different element that drew me in even more. 

After dinner, she and I spent more time together. We sang karaoke in the living room for about an hour. 

Noel and I have needed this kind of time together. I can’t wait until next month to do this again. (I know she will earn another movie.)

Mitten Update

Remember the gnome mittens I started not long after my birthday? Well, I procrastinated the thumb in the first mitten for a little while. Once I sat down with the video, I was able to work through it. I did have to stop and rewind it a few times. There were very clear instructions. It just took me a bit to catch on as I knit along. I am happy to say that the first mitten is completely done, and the second mitten only has the thumb left. Then, they will need to be blocked before I can wear them. I’m d so excited! They should be ready just in time for the temps to cool plummet again.  I’ll post a picture of the final product when they are ready. 

The Nails

We gave Noel gel nail polish for Christmas, and she has been asking to do my nails with that kit for a few weeks. We finally sat down for her to do them a few nights ago. She did such a great job! I love them!

Newest Socks

 

I finished another pair of socks last weeks and wore them today. I was sad that they looked so different. I ordered two skeins in a kit. I assumed they would be from the same due lot. Apparently, that was not the case. I delayed wearing them because it frustrated me that one was mostly dark while the other was mostly light. When I put them on this morning, the frustration was gone. I love that they as similar but not the same. They are so pretty. I will have to order from this company again. 

The Small Dog

Sometimes I think this little dog is my spirit animal. She is not a fan of being cold. When I lay down on the bed, she will curl right up to me (see the picture above). On days like today when I feel particularly cold for apparently no reason (the heat is set to 74), she seems to be cold as well. She will even climb under the covers with me. I love this sweet little doggy! 

Girls' Trip to the Temple

I got to go to the temple again today. This time it was with other ladies from church. There were five of us in the car, and we went to the endowment session together. I love going to the temple with my husband, but there is something about going with other women that gives me an experience that is enjoyable in a different way.

Since I started going back to the temple sometime after Chad and I were married, I have always done work for names that were submitted to the temple. This time I felt the need to find a name from my own family tree. Last night, I went online and found a name that needed work done. I printed it this morning before I was picked up. Alice M. Wilmot was the wife of my first cousin three times removed (the wife of my great-grandma's cousin). Even though I had not seen or heard her name before it came up as I was searching from someone who was ready for this step, I felt a connection to her that I have not felt other times when I have done endowments. This experience has given me the desire to find more ancestors to help in this way. 

Reading Preferences

I seems to go though different reading preferences during different times of my life. There was a time when I absolutely loved Mary Higgins Clark. The mysteries were intriguing, and the books were not full of sec and foul language like other mystery novels. Then, I discovered Nicholas Sparks. I could finally read romance that wasn’t raunchy. I would check out his books from the library, and the ex would give me a the newest Nicholas Sparks novel for Christmas each year. Then, I moved on to quick, easy reads that I could read on my Kindle as I went to bed. Lately, I have been liking nonfiction. It takes a bit longer to read it because I want to soak in all of the details. I don’t get a lot of time to read outside my schoolwork, but I try to put aside time to read for pleasure. 

Caramel Corn

 

When the kids were little, I often made treats for the kids. They thought it was fun. I mostly saw it as a way to have snack foods in the house. A little while ago Sean and I talked about how I used to make caramel corn. He missed me doing stuff like that. Since that conversation, everyone has been asking me to make it again. (Chad wasn’t around at the time, and Noel was too little to remember.)

Today, I finally made the caramel corn when Noel asked so sweetly. It wasn’t the same recipe as I used before because I don’t have that recipe book anymore. I found one online that was easy to follow. 

I loved the process, and everyone liked it. I will definitely be making it again!

The Pantry

 

Yesterday, Chad and I got in a fight because…I’m not going to say on here (cyber stalkers may use it against me). Afterwards, we went out separate ways and cleaned. He cleaned the bathrooms, and I cleaned and organized the pantry. 

I have been saying I would organize the pantry for a while. We had small appliances on shelves and everything else was just shoved in there wherever a spot was found. It was ridiculous and made it impossible to find anything. I knew it was going to be a difficult project, so I kept putting it off. 

Yesterday, as a way to channel my anger, I got to work. I pulled everything out and whipped down the shelves. Hearing the cans clink together, Noel came out of her room to see what was going on and decided to help. She checked expiration dates and organized everything into groups (veggies, fruit, pasta, beans, etc.). I put the appliances (ice cream maker and triple crockpot) on the floor and cans on the shelf. I am very thankful for her help and happy about the end result. 

The next step is can organizers so we can keep it organized and fit more in when needed. 

“Running” in the Snow

 

I promised myself that I would run 3 times this week, and I prefer running Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday. That meant I needed to get out today. Of course, I waited until it started snowing to get out the door. Did I have fun? A bit. Was it hard? Kind of. Honestly, if the snow blowing in my face was the worst part. It slowed me down a bit because I couldn’t see. I am just so glad I got out and tried. 

Trying Again

After spending another $350 on groceries for the week, all I could think was how there has to be another way. I don’t want to have to get a second job just to be able to buy groceries for the family. Once I sat down in a quiet room alone to do homework, I got an idea. We can go back to getting freeze dried food. 

We tried it in the past but couldn’t really afford it because we weren’t really integrating it into our diet and couldn’t afford it with everything else (there is no way that we could have afforded this kind of grocery bill back then). The food that we did eat was good, but the kids wouldn’t touch it. 

Times have changed. We make more now, and we eat better. Also, I understand better how to order from the company we used to make sure we get food we will actually use. 

I am excited to have started my monthly shipments again. I hope we will be able to maintain it and learn better how to integrate into our diet. 

Temple Day

Chad and I went to the temple to do sealings today. We were able to seal his grandparents together as well as some other ancestors of his. It was such a special experience! I have not done this often enough. Most of the time when I go to the temple I do endowment sessions. I like doing them, and I can do it with or without my husband. I could technically do sealings without Chad, but there is something special about doing it with him. I love that I can be reminded of our marital covenant. I love the feeling of renewing our sacred commitment as we help other have this eternal bond. We will be going back again in February as part of our anniversary celebration. I am so excited! 

The Day After Shots

Yesterday, I went to see the doctor for another thyroid check. While I was there, I decided to get my flu shot and COVID booster (one in each arm). I don't have adverse reactions other than a sore arm with most shots. I forgot that COVID shots seem to be the exception. 

The first COVID shot I got was the J&J shot that they stopped using for the most part a few weeks later. I had the worst reaction I have ever had to that one. I was in bed sick the rest of the day as well as the following day. 

Since there was no booster for the shot I had originally, I was given the Moderna booster about this time last year. It made me light headed and nauseous for a few days. It was so much better than the reaction to the first one that I didn't even think about it this time. 

This time around, I was given the Moderna booster in one arm and the flu shot in the other arm (I have never had issues with the flu shot). Last night, I had no issues other than not having much of an appetite. This morning was a different story. I woke up very nauseous and light headed. I even considered calling in sick (something I haven't done since I started working from home). After I had a bit of ramen, I started to feel better, but it came back. By the time we had dinner, I felt just as bad as I did this morning. I am hoping it passes quickly like the first time. 

Knitted Socks

I am loving knitting socks lately. For the most part the are the same stitch over and over again. This means I can knit while reading and watching videos for school and when I have to be on conference calls tor work. I have to pay a bit mor attention when I do the heals and toes, but they can be done easily while watching tv. The best part about knitting socks is that when I am done, I have really warm socks that fit perfectly. 

I know that I will eventually get tired of knitting socks and move on to something else. For now, I will enjoy knitting colorful, warm, perfect socks. 

He’s 21!

 

My Eric is 21! I am so proud of the man that he has become and is still becoming. He is thoughtful, sweet, kind, and smart. He loves deeply and gives the best hugs. I am excited to see how he shapes his future. 

Faith Over Fear

The world can be a scary place. There are murders, natural disasters, riots, and more. I have to admit that I let the fear get to me lately. It has affected my mental health. I have done my best to try to not let it affect me. I keep myself busy with friends and family (going to parties, baptisms, doctor appointments, etc.). I listen to conference talks and chapters in the Book of Mormon on a regular basis. I have jumped into my studies. These have all been great distractions, but when I lie in bed at night, I worry about so many things that I don't get to sleep until after 11pm most nights. Through all of this, I do my best to hide it from the people around me. Do they really need to hear about my problems when they are going through so much more? 

This morning, I listened to President Nelson's talk from the Saturday morning session of the last General Conference. In this talk, he addresses the fears of the people. He quoted Matthew 11:28-30: 

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me,...and ye shall find rest in your souls.

For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light. 

I needed this message today before I sink down in the depths of depression I was in a few years ago. The world is not going to be an easy place to live in, but we do not have to get sucked into everything. I need to concentrate less on the news and more on my relationship with my Savior, Jesus Christ. I can over come the problems of the world. 

What is going on?

This year has started off a bit crazy. There was flooding in California, police attacked in Times Square, a celebrity ran over by his own snowplow, a football player who collapsed on the field after a tackle, and a family taken out by a father who killed himself as well. I really hope that this is not an indicator of the year to come. I fear for the future of this country and the world. 

My mind has been all over the place with the events of the week so far, especially the murder/suicide in southern Utah. A former friend of mine that I still have contact with was friends with the mother of the family killed. This lady is devastated from hearing that someone she was close to was killed in this manner (as I am sure everyone else involved is). How does one come to terms with this? I have lost family members and friends in car accidents, but at least I knew no one chose to end their lives. These were true accidents that left a hole in my hearts as well as others. I could not imagine having to come to terms with the idea that not only had I lost a loved one, but someone chose to take them from me. I imagine that I would be mad and confused. How does this just happen? 

I do not know this family. All I know about them is what the lady I know has said and the little bit in the news. Yet, somehow, this had deeply affected me. I just don't understand how a father could kill his children. I guess I will never know because I have not known that kind of evil in my life. 

Work in Progress

As I was reading Atomic Habits, I realized I had too many habits that I was trying to change and track at one time. For the new year, I have decided I am going to concentrate on the four areas we teach the youth to work on: physical, spiritual, social, and intellectual. Within these areas, I have identified two things to concentrate on to help me grow into the person I want to be. In doing so, I rated myself on a 1 to 10 scale. My plan is to reevaluate myself at the beginning of each month. Thankfully, I was able to find a planner that has a monthly page to assist me in this endeavor.